I make no secret of the fact that I hate the news. I read news articles and invariably think one of two things:
1) That story omitted all the important information.
2) This is an editorial in disguise.
For an example of the first type of story, please click the following link:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/7258775.stm
Apparently, a large number of famous people are at risk of contracting Hepatitis A after they visited a swanky bar that employs a bartender who was recently infected. People who might have contracted the disease from this bartender include Madonna, Gwyneth Paltrow, Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore, Ivanka Trump, Liv Tyler, Catherine Keener, Lucy Liu, Salma Hayek, etc. etc.
As I said, the story omits one key piece of information. Specifically, WHAT THE HELL WERE THOSE PEOPLE DOING IN THERE THAT MAKES THEM THINK THEY GOT HEP A FROM A BARTENDER? Generally, I don’t care what celebrities do in their personal lives. But this here simply HAS to be a fascinating story. Hep A isn’t like the flu. It’s only transmitted from fecal-oral contact. That said, I have three theories.
Theory One:
“Hey Ashton! Madonna and I are going to play a game of ‘lick the bartender’s asshole! Want to play? Salma already got him nice and slippery!”
Theory Two:
“Wow, you celebrities are some thirsty people! But are you as committed to the environment as I am? Would anyone mind if I cut down on laundry waste by drying your glasses with toilet paper I brought back from the bathroom? I’m pretty sure I only used one side.”
“Sounds good!”
“I don’t have a problem with that.”
“Manhattan’s fragile ecosystem must be protected!”
Theory Three:
“As your doctor, I am sorry to tell you that you have Hepatitis A.”
“Does it matter that I haven’t washed my hands since the Reagan administration?”
I think we can all agree that the article I referenced would be much more fun if it included any of these (likely) explanations.
Friday, February 22, 2008
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
You Need A Spanking
True story.
For months, my printer at home would print black and white pages perfectly, but instantly jam when printing in color.
This was really annoying, because after searching it three times, I simply could NOT find any evidence of any blockage, stuck gears, misalignments, etc.
Finally, it got to the point where I really wanted to print a few pages in color right then and there. I was ready to drive to Best Buy and get a new printer. Before I did, I decided to blow off a little steam at the annoyance I had let go on for so long. I unplugged the printer, carried it over to the counter, set it down, and gave it a vigorous spanking.
I then calmly picked it back up, brought it to the computer, and reattached it.
Problem solved.
For months, my printer at home would print black and white pages perfectly, but instantly jam when printing in color.
This was really annoying, because after searching it three times, I simply could NOT find any evidence of any blockage, stuck gears, misalignments, etc.
Finally, it got to the point where I really wanted to print a few pages in color right then and there. I was ready to drive to Best Buy and get a new printer. Before I did, I decided to blow off a little steam at the annoyance I had let go on for so long. I unplugged the printer, carried it over to the counter, set it down, and gave it a vigorous spanking.
I then calmly picked it back up, brought it to the computer, and reattached it.
Problem solved.
Monday, February 4, 2008
Fun With Junk Mail
I thought I’d celebrate the economic recession by teaching you how to have fun for free. Put all the money you save by doing this instead of other fun things into savings. In a few years, you’ll be rich!
Sarcasm aside, I really do have a fun idea for you to try.
Do you get junk mail? Sure you do. Do you get lots of it? I’ll bet! Would you like to find the guy who sends it to you and kick him squarely in the nuts? Of course! Who wouldn’t?!
Here’s what you do: every day, go out to the mailbox. Be excited! You’re a rebel. Go through the mail and eagerly extract all the letters offering you credit cards, religious experiences, the chance to donate money to “worthy” causes, etc. Open these letters immediately.
These letters are special because they almost always contain a return envelope. Eagerly extract all of the free return envelopes out of your mail. Deposit the rest of the contents of these letters into your shredder.
The return envelopes that come in junk mail are special. They have fun messages on them like “No Postage Necessary If Mailed From Within The United States.” Those envelopes are your friends.
Take all of these empty return envelopes and lick them. Seal them carefully, then put them back in the mailbox. They will start a new journey through life as they target their original senders like brilliant heat-seeking missiles.
In a few days, they will have found the companies that sent you junk mail. Those companies will then be hit with your mail bombs. They will open them and scream in horror at their emptiness. Then the post office will send those companies a bill for $0.41. That’s forty-one cents that the companies who sent you junk mail will NOT be able to use to send you more.
Smile serenely to yourself. It wasn’t quite as satisfying as send a REAL mail bomb to junk mailers, but it’s extremely effective. Over time, it will help make sure that the only companies who have the money to send you mail are the ones with worthwhile goods or services.
Sarcasm aside, I really do have a fun idea for you to try.
Do you get junk mail? Sure you do. Do you get lots of it? I’ll bet! Would you like to find the guy who sends it to you and kick him squarely in the nuts? Of course! Who wouldn’t?!
Here’s what you do: every day, go out to the mailbox. Be excited! You’re a rebel. Go through the mail and eagerly extract all the letters offering you credit cards, religious experiences, the chance to donate money to “worthy” causes, etc. Open these letters immediately.
These letters are special because they almost always contain a return envelope. Eagerly extract all of the free return envelopes out of your mail. Deposit the rest of the contents of these letters into your shredder.
The return envelopes that come in junk mail are special. They have fun messages on them like “No Postage Necessary If Mailed From Within The United States.” Those envelopes are your friends.
Take all of these empty return envelopes and lick them. Seal them carefully, then put them back in the mailbox. They will start a new journey through life as they target their original senders like brilliant heat-seeking missiles.
In a few days, they will have found the companies that sent you junk mail. Those companies will then be hit with your mail bombs. They will open them and scream in horror at their emptiness. Then the post office will send those companies a bill for $0.41. That’s forty-one cents that the companies who sent you junk mail will NOT be able to use to send you more.
Smile serenely to yourself. It wasn’t quite as satisfying as send a REAL mail bomb to junk mailers, but it’s extremely effective. Over time, it will help make sure that the only companies who have the money to send you mail are the ones with worthwhile goods or services.
Friday, February 1, 2008
I Test Drugs On Humans Without Their Consent
Some of you may recall that, not long ago, I created a quiz to tell an unlikely story. In that story, I explained that I was experimenting with flavoring the coffee at work by adding unusual, aging spices from my pantry.
A small handful of people thought – as I did – that this was interesting and often delicious. (My company buys us Torke Coffee. The oft-stated opinion of everyone who works here is that the secret ingredient is tar. Adding spices to cover the taste is a big improvement.)
Most people hated this. I was accused of making tea in the coffee pot. When I explained to people that it was full strength coffee, but that it no longer tasted like ass, I was accused of devious lies. Confused, I asked these people if they really thought the coffee was too weak. Yes. Yes, they did.
Ok.
Welllllllllllll. I might not have found this to be the most reasonable argument. And as time went on, and I showed people that the coffee was obviously being made with as many grounds as usual, they still told me the coffee was too weak. I might not have been impressed by this either.
Eventually, my rational side teamed up with my mischievous side and decided that this had gone on long enough. One boring day, I decided to run a little experiment. It was noon, and I wanted to make coffee. I usually make coffee with seven scoops of grounds, plus spices. Then people come to me to complain how much weaker it is than the coffee I make with seven scoops and no spices.
I made the coffee with twenty-one scoops of grounds, plus three times as much spice.
I poured myself a third of a cup, topped it off with hot water, and went back to my office.
Half an hour went by. The building manager went home for the day.
Another half hour went by. Suddenly, without warning, the building secretary informed her computer that, “GUUUUUURAH! I AM NOT INSANE!”
Another half an hour went by. The sober, middle aged men in the lunchroom began to entertain each other with impromptu solo renditions of rock songs from the seventies.
Another half an hour went by. The secretary shouted at my office, “Hey engineer, this is really good coffee!”
I find it disturbing that stuff like this is how I most often get compliments.
A small handful of people thought – as I did – that this was interesting and often delicious. (My company buys us Torke Coffee. The oft-stated opinion of everyone who works here is that the secret ingredient is tar. Adding spices to cover the taste is a big improvement.)
Most people hated this. I was accused of making tea in the coffee pot. When I explained to people that it was full strength coffee, but that it no longer tasted like ass, I was accused of devious lies. Confused, I asked these people if they really thought the coffee was too weak. Yes. Yes, they did.
Ok.
Welllllllllllll. I might not have found this to be the most reasonable argument. And as time went on, and I showed people that the coffee was obviously being made with as many grounds as usual, they still told me the coffee was too weak. I might not have been impressed by this either.
Eventually, my rational side teamed up with my mischievous side and decided that this had gone on long enough. One boring day, I decided to run a little experiment. It was noon, and I wanted to make coffee. I usually make coffee with seven scoops of grounds, plus spices. Then people come to me to complain how much weaker it is than the coffee I make with seven scoops and no spices.
I made the coffee with twenty-one scoops of grounds, plus three times as much spice.
I poured myself a third of a cup, topped it off with hot water, and went back to my office.
Half an hour went by. The building manager went home for the day.
Another half hour went by. Suddenly, without warning, the building secretary informed her computer that, “GUUUUUURAH! I AM NOT INSANE!”
Another half an hour went by. The sober, middle aged men in the lunchroom began to entertain each other with impromptu solo renditions of rock songs from the seventies.
Another half an hour went by. The secretary shouted at my office, “Hey engineer, this is really good coffee!”
I find it disturbing that stuff like this is how I most often get compliments.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
A Perverse, Twisted, Evil Nest of Pedophiles
Police in Utah recently broke up a rapidly-growing pedophile ring that was endangering the safety of local children. At least six – possibly more – local children were subjected to demeaning objectification for the sick pleasures of those involved.
The extent of the crime came to light when a cache of these filthy pictures were turned over to police after being found in the possession of one of the deviants. The pictures in question were of both boys and girls from the local junior high, all of whom were less than 15 years old.
The case is being turned over to the Davis County attorney to determine the extent to which these sick pedophiles should be punished. I’m sure you’re with me in calling for their immediate execution.
Unfortunately, this is a true story. What I failed to make clear is that the people being turned over to the police are the kids themselves. That’s right. A bunch of middle school students – without adult knowledge, let alone pressure – was having a fun time sending each other naked pictures of themselves on their cell phones. This is about as far from abuse as you can conceivably get. Not only were no adults taking advantage of the kids, but something tells me that even the weakest-willed middle schooler could manage to control the impulse to lock themselves in the bathroom alone and send nude pictures to all their friends if they didn’t feel like it.
The situation was all fun and games until one of the kid’s mom found the pictures and thought, “You know who I should show these to? Fox News.”
Now, the kids are facing felony charges for distributing child pornography. The school principle went on TV and said, “They may not have realized it, but they were abusing themselves.”
Because I’m retarded, I’m going to once again take the outlandish position of defending our nation’s “pedophiles.”
Nation, I do not think that these kids were abusing themselves. I’m pretty sure they did not rape themselves either. Your instinctive impulse to equate nudity amongst young people with rape and sexual deviance is exceedingly perverse. Your willingness to charge them as felons for a game of “I’ll show you mine” is beyond insane. You have just created six people who will likely have issues with shame and sexual dysfunction for the rest of their lives.
Mother-Who-Found-The-Pictures-And-Called-The-Police-And-Fox-News-On-Your-Kid, I wish I was in a position to call Child Services on you. You are not fit to be a parent. In fact, you almost make me question my own premise that no one was abusing any of these children. The fact that you were willing to make an unwilling pornographic example of your own son or daughter for a national audience is an atrocity. I hope your 15 minutes of fame was worth it.
The extent of the crime came to light when a cache of these filthy pictures were turned over to police after being found in the possession of one of the deviants. The pictures in question were of both boys and girls from the local junior high, all of whom were less than 15 years old.
The case is being turned over to the Davis County attorney to determine the extent to which these sick pedophiles should be punished. I’m sure you’re with me in calling for their immediate execution.
Unfortunately, this is a true story. What I failed to make clear is that the people being turned over to the police are the kids themselves. That’s right. A bunch of middle school students – without adult knowledge, let alone pressure – was having a fun time sending each other naked pictures of themselves on their cell phones. This is about as far from abuse as you can conceivably get. Not only were no adults taking advantage of the kids, but something tells me that even the weakest-willed middle schooler could manage to control the impulse to lock themselves in the bathroom alone and send nude pictures to all their friends if they didn’t feel like it.
The situation was all fun and games until one of the kid’s mom found the pictures and thought, “You know who I should show these to? Fox News.”
Now, the kids are facing felony charges for distributing child pornography. The school principle went on TV and said, “They may not have realized it, but they were abusing themselves.”
Because I’m retarded, I’m going to once again take the outlandish position of defending our nation’s “pedophiles.”
Nation, I do not think that these kids were abusing themselves. I’m pretty sure they did not rape themselves either. Your instinctive impulse to equate nudity amongst young people with rape and sexual deviance is exceedingly perverse. Your willingness to charge them as felons for a game of “I’ll show you mine” is beyond insane. You have just created six people who will likely have issues with shame and sexual dysfunction for the rest of their lives.
Mother-Who-Found-The-Pictures-And-Called-The-Police-And-Fox-News-On-Your-Kid, I wish I was in a position to call Child Services on you. You are not fit to be a parent. In fact, you almost make me question my own premise that no one was abusing any of these children. The fact that you were willing to make an unwilling pornographic example of your own son or daughter for a national audience is an atrocity. I hope your 15 minutes of fame was worth it.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Drugs Are Bad, Mmmmk?
C’mon here people. I know New Years was fun, but the vacation’s over. Let’s get back to work here.
I think I may be bitter for some reason. It’s cold outside. That doesn’t help. But it seems to me that most of the people on Earth have not exactly been living up to expectations in 2008.
A lot of friends and family members have been inexplicably cranky, prone to expressing outlandish and questionable opinions, and behaving… unwisely. (I’m not talking about anyone in particular.) When I first thought of this, I said to myself, “Bullshit. You’re just in a bad mood. What’s up with that?” But then I asked myself a follow up question to prove it. I thought to myself, “What things have people done so far this year that were unexpectedly thoughtful, kind, or impressive?”
“Uuuuuh.”
That was when I got worried. Fortunately, the majority of stuff my friends and family have been doing is more odd than really troublesome. When we open this up to the big picture though, things get a lot more concerning.
I won’t even begin to discuss my thoughts on primaries in the US.
Discussing work related observations is similarly not interesting enough to merit cataloging.
A more interesting example has been people’s developing responses to the housing market meltdown. In simpler times, people would default on burdensome mortgages. This year, people have taken to trashing houses before turning the keys over to the bank. There have been reports of taking sledgehammers to walls and windows, and one creative man who locked live pigs in the house before vacating. This is not what I would describe as mature, responsible behavior.
But for even more fun, let’s be starfuckers and play the celebrity game. First, Brad Renfro dies. When I saw the headline, I was all like, “His age is similar to mine. What’s up with that?” Then I saw that he died of some sort of massive illegal drug overdose. Oh.
Now, Heath Leger is dead. Again, I saw the headlines and was like, “Goddammit, why is everyone in my general age range suddenly dropping dead?” Then I saw that he died of some sort of massive legal drug overdose. Oh.
Now for my favorite example. I don’t pay enough attention to the Britney Spears scandals to qualify as a true American citizen. I generally cynically assume that celebrity scandals are staged as career boosters. But then I saw this article:
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,323271,00.html
Ok, there is exactly a 0% chance that the actions and physical conditions described in that story could boost anyone’s career. I hate to say it, but by the end, I was really laughing pretty hard at the subliminal imagery. The entire closing third of the thing describes an unusually long list of physical features, behaviors, attitudes, and defects that can all be described as “sticky.” It also made me want to take a shower.
I don’t usually ask what, if anything, people resolved to do during the new year. But if I might make a suggestion… It appears that a lot of people made one or more of the following New Years resolutions:
--Determine the exact limit to the amount of drugs I can take, give or take 500%.
--Be bitchier.
--Yell at or ignore people if I’m tired, or feeling busy.
--Publicly flaunt character defects.
--Accomplish a lot less. Or nothing at all.
These resolutions are complete. Many of us did a great job accomplishing them in record time. Let’s get back to business as usual!
I think I may be bitter for some reason. It’s cold outside. That doesn’t help. But it seems to me that most of the people on Earth have not exactly been living up to expectations in 2008.
A lot of friends and family members have been inexplicably cranky, prone to expressing outlandish and questionable opinions, and behaving… unwisely. (I’m not talking about anyone in particular.) When I first thought of this, I said to myself, “Bullshit. You’re just in a bad mood. What’s up with that?” But then I asked myself a follow up question to prove it. I thought to myself, “What things have people done so far this year that were unexpectedly thoughtful, kind, or impressive?”
“Uuuuuh.”
That was when I got worried. Fortunately, the majority of stuff my friends and family have been doing is more odd than really troublesome. When we open this up to the big picture though, things get a lot more concerning.
I won’t even begin to discuss my thoughts on primaries in the US.
Discussing work related observations is similarly not interesting enough to merit cataloging.
A more interesting example has been people’s developing responses to the housing market meltdown. In simpler times, people would default on burdensome mortgages. This year, people have taken to trashing houses before turning the keys over to the bank. There have been reports of taking sledgehammers to walls and windows, and one creative man who locked live pigs in the house before vacating. This is not what I would describe as mature, responsible behavior.
But for even more fun, let’s be starfuckers and play the celebrity game. First, Brad Renfro dies. When I saw the headline, I was all like, “His age is similar to mine. What’s up with that?” Then I saw that he died of some sort of massive illegal drug overdose. Oh.
Now, Heath Leger is dead. Again, I saw the headlines and was like, “Goddammit, why is everyone in my general age range suddenly dropping dead?” Then I saw that he died of some sort of massive legal drug overdose. Oh.
Now for my favorite example. I don’t pay enough attention to the Britney Spears scandals to qualify as a true American citizen. I generally cynically assume that celebrity scandals are staged as career boosters. But then I saw this article:
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,323271,00.html
Ok, there is exactly a 0% chance that the actions and physical conditions described in that story could boost anyone’s career. I hate to say it, but by the end, I was really laughing pretty hard at the subliminal imagery. The entire closing third of the thing describes an unusually long list of physical features, behaviors, attitudes, and defects that can all be described as “sticky.” It also made me want to take a shower.
I don’t usually ask what, if anything, people resolved to do during the new year. But if I might make a suggestion… It appears that a lot of people made one or more of the following New Years resolutions:
--Determine the exact limit to the amount of drugs I can take, give or take 500%.
--Be bitchier.
--Yell at or ignore people if I’m tired, or feeling busy.
--Publicly flaunt character defects.
--Accomplish a lot less. Or nothing at all.
These resolutions are complete. Many of us did a great job accomplishing them in record time. Let’s get back to business as usual!
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
I Gave Them All Facelifts (Things Unsaid)
Some of you have noticed that one of my pet projects went silent in 2007. “Things Unsaid” (which many people have been delighted to tell me they do not like at all) came to a quiet stop right around the time I had my second Kinetics midterm.
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