[Author's note: I wrote this several months ago, and only just now rediscovered the file.]
This post continues my “Thoughts From Asia” series. By this I do not mean to imply a sequence of related stories, but rather, simply explain why I found my existence being so often probed and giving rise to this post.
It all began in a beautiful Buddist temple situated in a mountain high above Chiang-Mai, Thailand. In this temple, religious implications unclear to me, were two rooms in which a game could be played. You would simply kneel down, shake a festive looking can filled with 40 or so numbered sticks, and keep shaking until exactly one of them fell to the ground. You would then pick up said stick, note the number you had divined, put it back, and go over to a neat wooden rack with all of those numbers on it. In each numbered pocket, a corresponding fortune sat to tell you what to expect from your future.
Mine was empty. Literally. All the pockets were stuffed FULL of cards except for the one corresponding to the number I had “drawn.” My fortune had declined to be read.
Not long after, I had lunch at a trendy restaurant in Hong Kong. One of the items you could order was “Fortune Buns.” Same concept as a fortune cookie. You ordered the buns, and the chef would whip you up a batch of six sweet cakes into which he had baked a fortune. You had to order them at the start of the meal, because of the extra prep time needed.
They arrived right on time. I carefully ripped one open, looking for my elusive fortune. Nothing. Confused, I shredded the unsuspecting pastry. I found a lot of cake, but very little fiber. I moved on to bun number two. Nothing. Three. Zilch. Four. Five. Six.
The chef had forgotten to insert the fortunes into the entire dessert tray.
Several days pass. I am now at a modern acrobatics show in Shanghai China. During the last act, at a climactic moment, the ceiling above the audience erupts with smoke as small papers flit down from the ceiling. Catching on quicker than everyone else, I lunge at the first to drop near me. I would have a fortune yet. In the dim light, it is difficult to read, but the small slip of paper clearly had some words of wisdom on it for me to read. Minutes later, in the lobby, I extract the paper from my pocket to discover my oft-delayed prospects.
“Don’t forget the day after yesterday.”
I conclude that I have no soul.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Dr. Lake’s Secrets to URBAN WEIGHT LOSS SUCCESS!
Though most of my faithful readers long ago shook off the shackles of being a FAT WHALE, some of us still struggle with this terrible problem. Yes, shamed though they are, many readers are still critically obese. Just this week, Dr. Lake received letters from a 120 lb woman and a 130 lb man! It’s insane!
“How,” they ask, “can we continue to see these horrible problems when we are faithful followers of Dr. Lake’s Full Body Cleanse?!” (patent pending)
The trouble, of course, comes from additional toxins present in the urban lifestyle. (And, try though they might, some readers still have trouble maintaining the true Full Body Cleanse (FBC) lifestyle in an urban environment! (Yes, it’s disturbing but true. Despite repeated letters from Dr. Lake, few major metropolitan areas have mandated inclusion of at least one Epsom Salts-based beverage and one royal jelly-based entrée on restaurant menus.)
For these readers (who must suffer through their lives at great personal risk) I have developed these handy tips to help you fight toxins and maintain a healthy body weight of no more than a Brobdingnagian 100 lbs.
When forced to eat out at restaurants, many people order one dish and then look down in dismay as they are served a greasy, toxin-laced mess of “food.” Because the restaurant does not hold to Dr. Lake’s Minimum Standards of Quality (MSQ), repeated demands to prepare the meal with more magnets will go unheeded! Because this is almost inevitable, urban readers are advised to do the following.
Tip 1: When eating out, be sure to order at least three entrées and several appetizers.
When done properly, Tip 1 allows you to examine how the restaurant prepares food, sample several of its attempts, and identify which ones are most in line with Dr. Lake’s FBC lifestyle. Further, with such a broad sample, you should be able to gauge whether the eatery in question is making even a modest attempt to adhere to Dr. Lake’s MSQ. Knowing these things, you can be prepared to order sensibly in the future, or possibly be required to move on to some other diner to repeat the process anew. Because this can get costly, readers are advised to keep in mind the following useful suggestion.
Tip 2: Don’t waste food!
“But Dr. Lake,” they demand, “won’t that just expose me to more toxins?!” In short, yes. However, clearly, if you are reading this, you are already living a life awash in toxins! Thus, if you have already accidentally been forced to spend your money on food not adhering to all of the MSQ, you should make an effort to salvage the loss by attempting to develop a tolerance for as many of these toxins as possible. Consume all of them, and in so doing, allow your body to develop natural antibodies and resistances to all of the harmful substances therein. Thus, if you are later exposed to these toxins in lower doses (and you almost certainly will!), your body will be full prepared to combat the toxins to MAXIMUM EFFECT! Plus, you will be able to gauge your body’s response to the various toxins present, allowing you to focus your efforts on those most harmful to your specific situation. Put simply, you should be especially frugal with foods described in Tip 3.
Tip 3: If you discover you have ordered a food with an especially potent toxin, have seconds!
“But Dr. Lake,” my readers cry, “surely you aren’t recommending that we consume more toxins!?” “Naturally not!” I reply! However, in this special case, when you have ACTIVELY IDENTIFIED that your environment presents you with a uniquely potent toxin, you should act to develop an immunity as quickly as possible! Though in the short term your body will suffer the curse of greater levels of toxins, in the long term, these toxins will fade away! When they fade, your body will feel ALL THE MORE REFRESHED that they are gone! High blood pressure? Finish those surprise fries! Your heart will get an extra workout tonight, but just might take tomorrow off for a HEALING VACATION! Peanut allergy? Another order of satay please, with an EpiPen to go!
Tip 4: Order food to go.
“But Dr. Lake!” my readers will exclaim, “reheating food isn’t energy efficient!” True indeed! But this, of course, is why you shouldn’t let the food get home! Taking food home and eating it there will only expose you to DEADLY TOXINS likely present on dishes and eating utensils, not to mention the harmful effects of food from deadly MICROWAVE RADIATION! To avoid both, open and consume extra food items on the walk home, while driving, or even during a healthy jog! Just be careful! Urban air is literally TEEMING WITH TOXINS, and as such, it is CRITICALLY ESSENTIAL that you avoid any activities that demand increased respiration rates! That is, when jogging, try to keep your heart rate below a strenuous pulse rate of 110 beats per minute. Your resting heart rate is 110, you say? Splendid! Then why would you need to jog? It’s like you’re already exercising!
Tip 5: Exercise while sitting perfectly still.
“Dr Lake!” my readers will surely exclaim, “is that even possible?!” To this question, I am delighted to report an enthusiastic “YES!” Some people are cursed with resting heart rates as low as 50 beats per minute. Taking even a quick look at any aerobic heart rate chart will reveal that people in such a horrifying condition will have to work EXTREMELY HARD to feel any effects of exercise! Think of how many toxins they will gulp up while sprinting past all of that urban traffic on city streets! If you wouldn’t suck on the tailpipe of your own car, would you really want to breathe the fumes of an entire neighborhood!? Heck no! To avoid doing this, develop an exercise plan of extensive meditation straight away! Not in the mood to meditate? Then feel free to turn on the television to help you regain your inner focus. Making these activities part of each and every day will help you get your heart rate steadily higher each and every day. Before you know it, even the most menial day-to-day tasks will feel exactly like exercise, and confer all of the same benefits – all without being outside in the toxin-laden air!
Keeping these 5 Tips in mind, even the most embattled urban dwellers should be on the road to recovery, all with the help of the tenants of Dr. Lake’s Full Body Cleanse!
“How,” they ask, “can we continue to see these horrible problems when we are faithful followers of Dr. Lake’s Full Body Cleanse?!” (patent pending)
The trouble, of course, comes from additional toxins present in the urban lifestyle. (And, try though they might, some readers still have trouble maintaining the true Full Body Cleanse (FBC) lifestyle in an urban environment! (Yes, it’s disturbing but true. Despite repeated letters from Dr. Lake, few major metropolitan areas have mandated inclusion of at least one Epsom Salts-based beverage and one royal jelly-based entrée on restaurant menus.)
For these readers (who must suffer through their lives at great personal risk) I have developed these handy tips to help you fight toxins and maintain a healthy body weight of no more than a Brobdingnagian 100 lbs.
When forced to eat out at restaurants, many people order one dish and then look down in dismay as they are served a greasy, toxin-laced mess of “food.” Because the restaurant does not hold to Dr. Lake’s Minimum Standards of Quality (MSQ), repeated demands to prepare the meal with more magnets will go unheeded! Because this is almost inevitable, urban readers are advised to do the following.
Tip 1: When eating out, be sure to order at least three entrées and several appetizers.
When done properly, Tip 1 allows you to examine how the restaurant prepares food, sample several of its attempts, and identify which ones are most in line with Dr. Lake’s FBC lifestyle. Further, with such a broad sample, you should be able to gauge whether the eatery in question is making even a modest attempt to adhere to Dr. Lake’s MSQ. Knowing these things, you can be prepared to order sensibly in the future, or possibly be required to move on to some other diner to repeat the process anew. Because this can get costly, readers are advised to keep in mind the following useful suggestion.
Tip 2: Don’t waste food!
“But Dr. Lake,” they demand, “won’t that just expose me to more toxins?!” In short, yes. However, clearly, if you are reading this, you are already living a life awash in toxins! Thus, if you have already accidentally been forced to spend your money on food not adhering to all of the MSQ, you should make an effort to salvage the loss by attempting to develop a tolerance for as many of these toxins as possible. Consume all of them, and in so doing, allow your body to develop natural antibodies and resistances to all of the harmful substances therein. Thus, if you are later exposed to these toxins in lower doses (and you almost certainly will!), your body will be full prepared to combat the toxins to MAXIMUM EFFECT! Plus, you will be able to gauge your body’s response to the various toxins present, allowing you to focus your efforts on those most harmful to your specific situation. Put simply, you should be especially frugal with foods described in Tip 3.
Tip 3: If you discover you have ordered a food with an especially potent toxin, have seconds!
“But Dr. Lake,” my readers cry, “surely you aren’t recommending that we consume more toxins!?” “Naturally not!” I reply! However, in this special case, when you have ACTIVELY IDENTIFIED that your environment presents you with a uniquely potent toxin, you should act to develop an immunity as quickly as possible! Though in the short term your body will suffer the curse of greater levels of toxins, in the long term, these toxins will fade away! When they fade, your body will feel ALL THE MORE REFRESHED that they are gone! High blood pressure? Finish those surprise fries! Your heart will get an extra workout tonight, but just might take tomorrow off for a HEALING VACATION! Peanut allergy? Another order of satay please, with an EpiPen to go!
Tip 4: Order food to go.
“But Dr. Lake!” my readers will exclaim, “reheating food isn’t energy efficient!” True indeed! But this, of course, is why you shouldn’t let the food get home! Taking food home and eating it there will only expose you to DEADLY TOXINS likely present on dishes and eating utensils, not to mention the harmful effects of food from deadly MICROWAVE RADIATION! To avoid both, open and consume extra food items on the walk home, while driving, or even during a healthy jog! Just be careful! Urban air is literally TEEMING WITH TOXINS, and as such, it is CRITICALLY ESSENTIAL that you avoid any activities that demand increased respiration rates! That is, when jogging, try to keep your heart rate below a strenuous pulse rate of 110 beats per minute. Your resting heart rate is 110, you say? Splendid! Then why would you need to jog? It’s like you’re already exercising!
Tip 5: Exercise while sitting perfectly still.
“Dr Lake!” my readers will surely exclaim, “is that even possible?!” To this question, I am delighted to report an enthusiastic “YES!” Some people are cursed with resting heart rates as low as 50 beats per minute. Taking even a quick look at any aerobic heart rate chart will reveal that people in such a horrifying condition will have to work EXTREMELY HARD to feel any effects of exercise! Think of how many toxins they will gulp up while sprinting past all of that urban traffic on city streets! If you wouldn’t suck on the tailpipe of your own car, would you really want to breathe the fumes of an entire neighborhood!? Heck no! To avoid doing this, develop an exercise plan of extensive meditation straight away! Not in the mood to meditate? Then feel free to turn on the television to help you regain your inner focus. Making these activities part of each and every day will help you get your heart rate steadily higher each and every day. Before you know it, even the most menial day-to-day tasks will feel exactly like exercise, and confer all of the same benefits – all without being outside in the toxin-laden air!
Keeping these 5 Tips in mind, even the most embattled urban dwellers should be on the road to recovery, all with the help of the tenants of Dr. Lake’s Full Body Cleanse!
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