I make no secret of the fact that I hate the news. I read news articles and invariably think one of two things:
1) That story omitted all the important information.
2) This is an editorial in disguise.
For an example of the first type of story, please click the following link:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/7258775.stm
Apparently, a large number of famous people are at risk of contracting Hepatitis A after they visited a swanky bar that employs a bartender who was recently infected. People who might have contracted the disease from this bartender include Madonna, Gwyneth Paltrow, Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore, Ivanka Trump, Liv Tyler, Catherine Keener, Lucy Liu, Salma Hayek, etc. etc.
As I said, the story omits one key piece of information. Specifically, WHAT THE HELL WERE THOSE PEOPLE DOING IN THERE THAT MAKES THEM THINK THEY GOT HEP A FROM A BARTENDER? Generally, I don’t care what celebrities do in their personal lives. But this here simply HAS to be a fascinating story. Hep A isn’t like the flu. It’s only transmitted from fecal-oral contact. That said, I have three theories.
Theory One:
“Hey Ashton! Madonna and I are going to play a game of ‘lick the bartender’s asshole! Want to play? Salma already got him nice and slippery!”
Theory Two:
“Wow, you celebrities are some thirsty people! But are you as committed to the environment as I am? Would anyone mind if I cut down on laundry waste by drying your glasses with toilet paper I brought back from the bathroom? I’m pretty sure I only used one side.”
“Sounds good!”
“I don’t have a problem with that.”
“Manhattan’s fragile ecosystem must be protected!”
Theory Three:
“As your doctor, I am sorry to tell you that you have Hepatitis A.”
“Does it matter that I haven’t washed my hands since the Reagan administration?”
I think we can all agree that the article I referenced would be much more fun if it included any of these (likely) explanations.
Friday, February 22, 2008
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
You Need A Spanking
True story.
For months, my printer at home would print black and white pages perfectly, but instantly jam when printing in color.
This was really annoying, because after searching it three times, I simply could NOT find any evidence of any blockage, stuck gears, misalignments, etc.
Finally, it got to the point where I really wanted to print a few pages in color right then and there. I was ready to drive to Best Buy and get a new printer. Before I did, I decided to blow off a little steam at the annoyance I had let go on for so long. I unplugged the printer, carried it over to the counter, set it down, and gave it a vigorous spanking.
I then calmly picked it back up, brought it to the computer, and reattached it.
Problem solved.
For months, my printer at home would print black and white pages perfectly, but instantly jam when printing in color.
This was really annoying, because after searching it three times, I simply could NOT find any evidence of any blockage, stuck gears, misalignments, etc.
Finally, it got to the point where I really wanted to print a few pages in color right then and there. I was ready to drive to Best Buy and get a new printer. Before I did, I decided to blow off a little steam at the annoyance I had let go on for so long. I unplugged the printer, carried it over to the counter, set it down, and gave it a vigorous spanking.
I then calmly picked it back up, brought it to the computer, and reattached it.
Problem solved.
Monday, February 4, 2008
Fun With Junk Mail
I thought I’d celebrate the economic recession by teaching you how to have fun for free. Put all the money you save by doing this instead of other fun things into savings. In a few years, you’ll be rich!
Sarcasm aside, I really do have a fun idea for you to try.
Do you get junk mail? Sure you do. Do you get lots of it? I’ll bet! Would you like to find the guy who sends it to you and kick him squarely in the nuts? Of course! Who wouldn’t?!
Here’s what you do: every day, go out to the mailbox. Be excited! You’re a rebel. Go through the mail and eagerly extract all the letters offering you credit cards, religious experiences, the chance to donate money to “worthy” causes, etc. Open these letters immediately.
These letters are special because they almost always contain a return envelope. Eagerly extract all of the free return envelopes out of your mail. Deposit the rest of the contents of these letters into your shredder.
The return envelopes that come in junk mail are special. They have fun messages on them like “No Postage Necessary If Mailed From Within The United States.” Those envelopes are your friends.
Take all of these empty return envelopes and lick them. Seal them carefully, then put them back in the mailbox. They will start a new journey through life as they target their original senders like brilliant heat-seeking missiles.
In a few days, they will have found the companies that sent you junk mail. Those companies will then be hit with your mail bombs. They will open them and scream in horror at their emptiness. Then the post office will send those companies a bill for $0.41. That’s forty-one cents that the companies who sent you junk mail will NOT be able to use to send you more.
Smile serenely to yourself. It wasn’t quite as satisfying as send a REAL mail bomb to junk mailers, but it’s extremely effective. Over time, it will help make sure that the only companies who have the money to send you mail are the ones with worthwhile goods or services.
Sarcasm aside, I really do have a fun idea for you to try.
Do you get junk mail? Sure you do. Do you get lots of it? I’ll bet! Would you like to find the guy who sends it to you and kick him squarely in the nuts? Of course! Who wouldn’t?!
Here’s what you do: every day, go out to the mailbox. Be excited! You’re a rebel. Go through the mail and eagerly extract all the letters offering you credit cards, religious experiences, the chance to donate money to “worthy” causes, etc. Open these letters immediately.
These letters are special because they almost always contain a return envelope. Eagerly extract all of the free return envelopes out of your mail. Deposit the rest of the contents of these letters into your shredder.
The return envelopes that come in junk mail are special. They have fun messages on them like “No Postage Necessary If Mailed From Within The United States.” Those envelopes are your friends.
Take all of these empty return envelopes and lick them. Seal them carefully, then put them back in the mailbox. They will start a new journey through life as they target their original senders like brilliant heat-seeking missiles.
In a few days, they will have found the companies that sent you junk mail. Those companies will then be hit with your mail bombs. They will open them and scream in horror at their emptiness. Then the post office will send those companies a bill for $0.41. That’s forty-one cents that the companies who sent you junk mail will NOT be able to use to send you more.
Smile serenely to yourself. It wasn’t quite as satisfying as send a REAL mail bomb to junk mailers, but it’s extremely effective. Over time, it will help make sure that the only companies who have the money to send you mail are the ones with worthwhile goods or services.
Friday, February 1, 2008
I Test Drugs On Humans Without Their Consent
Some of you may recall that, not long ago, I created a quiz to tell an unlikely story. In that story, I explained that I was experimenting with flavoring the coffee at work by adding unusual, aging spices from my pantry.
A small handful of people thought – as I did – that this was interesting and often delicious. (My company buys us Torke Coffee. The oft-stated opinion of everyone who works here is that the secret ingredient is tar. Adding spices to cover the taste is a big improvement.)
Most people hated this. I was accused of making tea in the coffee pot. When I explained to people that it was full strength coffee, but that it no longer tasted like ass, I was accused of devious lies. Confused, I asked these people if they really thought the coffee was too weak. Yes. Yes, they did.
Ok.
Welllllllllllll. I might not have found this to be the most reasonable argument. And as time went on, and I showed people that the coffee was obviously being made with as many grounds as usual, they still told me the coffee was too weak. I might not have been impressed by this either.
Eventually, my rational side teamed up with my mischievous side and decided that this had gone on long enough. One boring day, I decided to run a little experiment. It was noon, and I wanted to make coffee. I usually make coffee with seven scoops of grounds, plus spices. Then people come to me to complain how much weaker it is than the coffee I make with seven scoops and no spices.
I made the coffee with twenty-one scoops of grounds, plus three times as much spice.
I poured myself a third of a cup, topped it off with hot water, and went back to my office.
Half an hour went by. The building manager went home for the day.
Another half hour went by. Suddenly, without warning, the building secretary informed her computer that, “GUUUUUURAH! I AM NOT INSANE!”
Another half an hour went by. The sober, middle aged men in the lunchroom began to entertain each other with impromptu solo renditions of rock songs from the seventies.
Another half an hour went by. The secretary shouted at my office, “Hey engineer, this is really good coffee!”
I find it disturbing that stuff like this is how I most often get compliments.
A small handful of people thought – as I did – that this was interesting and often delicious. (My company buys us Torke Coffee. The oft-stated opinion of everyone who works here is that the secret ingredient is tar. Adding spices to cover the taste is a big improvement.)
Most people hated this. I was accused of making tea in the coffee pot. When I explained to people that it was full strength coffee, but that it no longer tasted like ass, I was accused of devious lies. Confused, I asked these people if they really thought the coffee was too weak. Yes. Yes, they did.
Ok.
Welllllllllllll. I might not have found this to be the most reasonable argument. And as time went on, and I showed people that the coffee was obviously being made with as many grounds as usual, they still told me the coffee was too weak. I might not have been impressed by this either.
Eventually, my rational side teamed up with my mischievous side and decided that this had gone on long enough. One boring day, I decided to run a little experiment. It was noon, and I wanted to make coffee. I usually make coffee with seven scoops of grounds, plus spices. Then people come to me to complain how much weaker it is than the coffee I make with seven scoops and no spices.
I made the coffee with twenty-one scoops of grounds, plus three times as much spice.
I poured myself a third of a cup, topped it off with hot water, and went back to my office.
Half an hour went by. The building manager went home for the day.
Another half hour went by. Suddenly, without warning, the building secretary informed her computer that, “GUUUUUURAH! I AM NOT INSANE!”
Another half an hour went by. The sober, middle aged men in the lunchroom began to entertain each other with impromptu solo renditions of rock songs from the seventies.
Another half an hour went by. The secretary shouted at my office, “Hey engineer, this is really good coffee!”
I find it disturbing that stuff like this is how I most often get compliments.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
