Not long ago, as a joke/challenge, I invented a recipe for vegan cassoulet. Even less long ago, as a further challenge, I refined the recipe to be perfectly suited for someone with a mesomorph body type. That is to say, the end product gives 40% of it’s calories from carbohydrates, 30% from protein, and 30% from fat. It’s also delicious!
In a very large pot/wok-style pan, chop two carrot into slices roughly 5 mm thick. Add the entire contents of one can (28 oz) diced tomatoes. Heat to boiling as you continue preparation of other ingredients. (Note: if you use frozen carrots, this combination does not need to have as long to simmer as the carrots will already be softer.)
In a separate, large frying pan, add 8 Tbsp avocado oil. To this, add four boxes of SmartBacon, pre-separated and pre-cut into rough squares of side length equal to the thickness of the bacon strips themselves. (Note: getting the bacon ready takes a while. This time should see the carrots cooking in the tomato slurry. It should NOT see the avocado oil preheating, as it will likely burn before you’re ready.) Once the bacon has been separated and cut, add it to the oil and heat on high. Stir occasionally until about half of the squares just begin to blacken on the edges. (This will take a while.)
Once the bacon is cooking, add 4 cups frozen onions to the tomato/carrot mixture. By now, the carrots should be pre-cooked. Stir this combination until mixed. Continue heating. Add to this mixture the liquid from two cans of imitation duck (20 oz total), and two cans of imitation chicken (20 oz total). Stir once more and allow to continue on high heat. Continue to stir the pan-frying bacon. Dice the actual imitation duck and chicken into small chunks (vaguely the volume of a lima bean) and stir into the simmering mixture. Stir. Drain six cans (90 oz total) of cannoli beans. Add the beans only to the simmering mixture and stir again.
Cut eight links of Field Roast sausage in half length-wise, then into sections roughly one inch long. Check on the bacon. If it has blackened sufficiently, carefully transfer it to the large pot with tongs, retaining as much of the avocado oil as possible. (Note the bacon will be much hotter than the boiling point of the simmering cannoli bean mixture! Beware of the sputtering that will occur as you transfer!) Add the pre-cut Field Roast chunks to the retained oil. Allow these pieces to pan-fry on high heat, continuing to stir periodically until browned around the edges. Stir the bacon into the cannoli bean mixture. When the sausage chunks have browned, transfer them (oil and all) to the large pot. (Again, beware the sputtering!) Mix well and turn off heat.
In a separate bowl, mix 215 grams of carbohydrates in the form of breadcrumbs with spices to taste. (The breadcrumbs should be almost pure carbohydrate. Adjust the actual weight used to the given caloric unit of measure. I use this arcane system of measure to be flexible to what you may have around, not to be needlessly confusing.) The spices may be chosen on personal preference, but I suggest a mixture of equal parts herbes de provence, oregano, basil, and parsley. Use roughly four parts breadcrumbs to one part herb mixture by volume. (Note: if desired, the breadcrumbs offer the ideal place to deviate from the mesomorph ratio. Carbohydrate content of the recipe can be reduced significantly by using fewer breadcrumbs, or none at all. Taste of the final product is not dramatically changed, even if the breadcrumbs are omitted outright.)
Baking is not necessary, but can be done to reheat if desired. The cassoulet will thicken slightly as it cools. For a traditional presentation, partition the finished product into ramekins or other casserole dish to serve. Top with a generous layer of breadcrumbs. (All of them should be used to maintain the mesomorph ratio.)
In total, the finished product contains 8910 calories, of which roughly 3410 come from carbohydrates, 2552 come from protein, and 2552 come from fat, giving the desired final ratio. Note that these numbers do not sum perfectly, due to the rounding used on the packaging of the ingredients to present caloric information in whole-gram units. That said, while this caloric information is as accurate as possible given the source information, it should not be literally read as accurate to four significant digits.
Serving sizes may be chosen at the discretion of the reader, but as an example, dividing the final mixture into 22 equal portions results in a satisfyingly-full ramekin serving with 405 calories.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Thursday, September 10, 2009
An Immodest Proposal
To the best of my knowledge, a sizeable majority of Americans (old people) think that a small minority of Americans (young people) are having altogether too much sex. Due to the whims of our mostly-Democratic form of government, this majority has a lot of muscle to flex in trying to stamp out this undesirable trend.
Despite this, they have had very little luck in stemming the practice. Given that they have succeeded in stamping out other activities that they think young people should be kept away from (such as driving, voting, and seeking unsupervised medical care), this seems surprising. Why should it be true? It’s already illegal. One of the quickest ways to get a sure-fire trip to prison is to find a precocious 15-year-old who wants to get laid and agree to help. Yet still, horny teens can be found humping anything that moves (and many things that don’t) from coast to coast. I would argue that the difference here is the simple availability of opportunities. Consider the following two scenarios:
Scenario 1: A Fourteen-year-old boy wants to drive.
“I want to drive to my friend’s house right now without my parents’ permission. All I need is a car and several days-worth of practice. Wait, fuck!”
Result: Fail.
Scenario 2: A Thirteen-year-old girl wants to get laid.
“Damn my pussy itches. If only there was a boy willing to have sex with me.”
Result: The boys’ soccer team’s morale spikes dramatically.
[Author’s note: vulgarity added for comic effect. Please do not confuse with actual misogyny.]
The difference is fairly clear. Horniness in teens is not in short supply. Nor does it require any special skills to use. As a result, many opportunities exist for sexual whims to be repeatedly satisfied.
As a result, old people remain cranky. Why should young people be free to use their ample sexual opportunities when they, as old people, have proportionally so few?
Clearly, all previous legislative efforts to curb sex among the young have failed. Again, this can be clearly attributed to a failure to reduce the actual potential for youth sex. No solution will be effective unless it actually reduces either the number of opportunities for young people to have all that frisky sex, or somehow curbs their desire to make use of them.
Due to the complete lack of materials required for sex to occur (condoms and other items, though wise, are technically optional), it is impossible to regulate this in a supply-side manner. Thus, the only rational way to have a direct impact on teen sexual activity is to influence the desire of teens to have sex.
To this end, I have an immodest proposal.
Mandate young teens to have sex.
Throughout the ages, nothing has had a more dramatic effect on the desires of the young than the willingness of their elders to allow various activities. The impacts are inverse and dramatic. Consider the following examples:
Example 1: Legally-mandated school attendance.
Intended result: Train youths to be smarter, more skillful, and able to become wealthier than their parents.
Actual result: Children overwhelmingly fantasize about dropping out of school to pursue careers in food service and prostitution.
Example 2: Legally-banned alcohol and tobacco use.
Intended result: Healthy children who are not slowly becoming retarded.
Actual result: Paaaaarty! Whoo!
Example 3: Statutory rape laws mystifyingly-based on ages, rather than victims claiming to have been raped.
Intended result: Virginal children.
Actual result: A generation of children circulating their own homemade pornography via cell phones and the internet.
Clearly, to turn the tide of increasing teen sexuality, old people must immediately begin to demand constant, universal teen sex. Youth orgy rooms should be established immediately into which children are forced before, after, and during school hours, as well as before bed. Parents must take an immediate no-nonsense approach to teen sexuality along the lines of “if you can get off, find a friend.” A few weeks of this should sap the novelty out of the sport with alacrity. A few months of it and kids will be desperate for some alone time. After a year, 13-year-olds will require a decade of therapy before they will want to hump or be penetrated in any way ever again.
It’s the only sensible thing to do.
Despite this, they have had very little luck in stemming the practice. Given that they have succeeded in stamping out other activities that they think young people should be kept away from (such as driving, voting, and seeking unsupervised medical care), this seems surprising. Why should it be true? It’s already illegal. One of the quickest ways to get a sure-fire trip to prison is to find a precocious 15-year-old who wants to get laid and agree to help. Yet still, horny teens can be found humping anything that moves (and many things that don’t) from coast to coast. I would argue that the difference here is the simple availability of opportunities. Consider the following two scenarios:
Scenario 1: A Fourteen-year-old boy wants to drive.
“I want to drive to my friend’s house right now without my parents’ permission. All I need is a car and several days-worth of practice. Wait, fuck!”
Result: Fail.
Scenario 2: A Thirteen-year-old girl wants to get laid.
“Damn my pussy itches. If only there was a boy willing to have sex with me.”
Result: The boys’ soccer team’s morale spikes dramatically.
[Author’s note: vulgarity added for comic effect. Please do not confuse with actual misogyny.]
The difference is fairly clear. Horniness in teens is not in short supply. Nor does it require any special skills to use. As a result, many opportunities exist for sexual whims to be repeatedly satisfied.
As a result, old people remain cranky. Why should young people be free to use their ample sexual opportunities when they, as old people, have proportionally so few?
Clearly, all previous legislative efforts to curb sex among the young have failed. Again, this can be clearly attributed to a failure to reduce the actual potential for youth sex. No solution will be effective unless it actually reduces either the number of opportunities for young people to have all that frisky sex, or somehow curbs their desire to make use of them.
Due to the complete lack of materials required for sex to occur (condoms and other items, though wise, are technically optional), it is impossible to regulate this in a supply-side manner. Thus, the only rational way to have a direct impact on teen sexual activity is to influence the desire of teens to have sex.
To this end, I have an immodest proposal.
Mandate young teens to have sex.
Throughout the ages, nothing has had a more dramatic effect on the desires of the young than the willingness of their elders to allow various activities. The impacts are inverse and dramatic. Consider the following examples:
Example 1: Legally-mandated school attendance.
Intended result: Train youths to be smarter, more skillful, and able to become wealthier than their parents.
Actual result: Children overwhelmingly fantasize about dropping out of school to pursue careers in food service and prostitution.
Example 2: Legally-banned alcohol and tobacco use.
Intended result: Healthy children who are not slowly becoming retarded.
Actual result: Paaaaarty! Whoo!
Example 3: Statutory rape laws mystifyingly-based on ages, rather than victims claiming to have been raped.
Intended result: Virginal children.
Actual result: A generation of children circulating their own homemade pornography via cell phones and the internet.
Clearly, to turn the tide of increasing teen sexuality, old people must immediately begin to demand constant, universal teen sex. Youth orgy rooms should be established immediately into which children are forced before, after, and during school hours, as well as before bed. Parents must take an immediate no-nonsense approach to teen sexuality along the lines of “if you can get off, find a friend.” A few weeks of this should sap the novelty out of the sport with alacrity. A few months of it and kids will be desperate for some alone time. After a year, 13-year-olds will require a decade of therapy before they will want to hump or be penetrated in any way ever again.
It’s the only sensible thing to do.
Friday, August 7, 2009
I Have No Soul
[Author's note: I wrote this several months ago, and only just now rediscovered the file.]
This post continues my “Thoughts From Asia” series. By this I do not mean to imply a sequence of related stories, but rather, simply explain why I found my existence being so often probed and giving rise to this post.
It all began in a beautiful Buddist temple situated in a mountain high above Chiang-Mai, Thailand. In this temple, religious implications unclear to me, were two rooms in which a game could be played. You would simply kneel down, shake a festive looking can filled with 40 or so numbered sticks, and keep shaking until exactly one of them fell to the ground. You would then pick up said stick, note the number you had divined, put it back, and go over to a neat wooden rack with all of those numbers on it. In each numbered pocket, a corresponding fortune sat to tell you what to expect from your future.
Mine was empty. Literally. All the pockets were stuffed FULL of cards except for the one corresponding to the number I had “drawn.” My fortune had declined to be read.
Not long after, I had lunch at a trendy restaurant in Hong Kong. One of the items you could order was “Fortune Buns.” Same concept as a fortune cookie. You ordered the buns, and the chef would whip you up a batch of six sweet cakes into which he had baked a fortune. You had to order them at the start of the meal, because of the extra prep time needed.
They arrived right on time. I carefully ripped one open, looking for my elusive fortune. Nothing. Confused, I shredded the unsuspecting pastry. I found a lot of cake, but very little fiber. I moved on to bun number two. Nothing. Three. Zilch. Four. Five. Six.
The chef had forgotten to insert the fortunes into the entire dessert tray.
Several days pass. I am now at a modern acrobatics show in Shanghai China. During the last act, at a climactic moment, the ceiling above the audience erupts with smoke as small papers flit down from the ceiling. Catching on quicker than everyone else, I lunge at the first to drop near me. I would have a fortune yet. In the dim light, it is difficult to read, but the small slip of paper clearly had some words of wisdom on it for me to read. Minutes later, in the lobby, I extract the paper from my pocket to discover my oft-delayed prospects.
“Don’t forget the day after yesterday.”
I conclude that I have no soul.
This post continues my “Thoughts From Asia” series. By this I do not mean to imply a sequence of related stories, but rather, simply explain why I found my existence being so often probed and giving rise to this post.
It all began in a beautiful Buddist temple situated in a mountain high above Chiang-Mai, Thailand. In this temple, religious implications unclear to me, were two rooms in which a game could be played. You would simply kneel down, shake a festive looking can filled with 40 or so numbered sticks, and keep shaking until exactly one of them fell to the ground. You would then pick up said stick, note the number you had divined, put it back, and go over to a neat wooden rack with all of those numbers on it. In each numbered pocket, a corresponding fortune sat to tell you what to expect from your future.
Mine was empty. Literally. All the pockets were stuffed FULL of cards except for the one corresponding to the number I had “drawn.” My fortune had declined to be read.
Not long after, I had lunch at a trendy restaurant in Hong Kong. One of the items you could order was “Fortune Buns.” Same concept as a fortune cookie. You ordered the buns, and the chef would whip you up a batch of six sweet cakes into which he had baked a fortune. You had to order them at the start of the meal, because of the extra prep time needed.
They arrived right on time. I carefully ripped one open, looking for my elusive fortune. Nothing. Confused, I shredded the unsuspecting pastry. I found a lot of cake, but very little fiber. I moved on to bun number two. Nothing. Three. Zilch. Four. Five. Six.
The chef had forgotten to insert the fortunes into the entire dessert tray.
Several days pass. I am now at a modern acrobatics show in Shanghai China. During the last act, at a climactic moment, the ceiling above the audience erupts with smoke as small papers flit down from the ceiling. Catching on quicker than everyone else, I lunge at the first to drop near me. I would have a fortune yet. In the dim light, it is difficult to read, but the small slip of paper clearly had some words of wisdom on it for me to read. Minutes later, in the lobby, I extract the paper from my pocket to discover my oft-delayed prospects.
“Don’t forget the day after yesterday.”
I conclude that I have no soul.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Dr. Lake’s Secrets to URBAN WEIGHT LOSS SUCCESS!
Though most of my faithful readers long ago shook off the shackles of being a FAT WHALE, some of us still struggle with this terrible problem. Yes, shamed though they are, many readers are still critically obese. Just this week, Dr. Lake received letters from a 120 lb woman and a 130 lb man! It’s insane!
“How,” they ask, “can we continue to see these horrible problems when we are faithful followers of Dr. Lake’s Full Body Cleanse?!” (patent pending)
The trouble, of course, comes from additional toxins present in the urban lifestyle. (And, try though they might, some readers still have trouble maintaining the true Full Body Cleanse (FBC) lifestyle in an urban environment! (Yes, it’s disturbing but true. Despite repeated letters from Dr. Lake, few major metropolitan areas have mandated inclusion of at least one Epsom Salts-based beverage and one royal jelly-based entrée on restaurant menus.)
For these readers (who must suffer through their lives at great personal risk) I have developed these handy tips to help you fight toxins and maintain a healthy body weight of no more than a Brobdingnagian 100 lbs.
When forced to eat out at restaurants, many people order one dish and then look down in dismay as they are served a greasy, toxin-laced mess of “food.” Because the restaurant does not hold to Dr. Lake’s Minimum Standards of Quality (MSQ), repeated demands to prepare the meal with more magnets will go unheeded! Because this is almost inevitable, urban readers are advised to do the following.
Tip 1: When eating out, be sure to order at least three entrées and several appetizers.
When done properly, Tip 1 allows you to examine how the restaurant prepares food, sample several of its attempts, and identify which ones are most in line with Dr. Lake’s FBC lifestyle. Further, with such a broad sample, you should be able to gauge whether the eatery in question is making even a modest attempt to adhere to Dr. Lake’s MSQ. Knowing these things, you can be prepared to order sensibly in the future, or possibly be required to move on to some other diner to repeat the process anew. Because this can get costly, readers are advised to keep in mind the following useful suggestion.
Tip 2: Don’t waste food!
“But Dr. Lake,” they demand, “won’t that just expose me to more toxins?!” In short, yes. However, clearly, if you are reading this, you are already living a life awash in toxins! Thus, if you have already accidentally been forced to spend your money on food not adhering to all of the MSQ, you should make an effort to salvage the loss by attempting to develop a tolerance for as many of these toxins as possible. Consume all of them, and in so doing, allow your body to develop natural antibodies and resistances to all of the harmful substances therein. Thus, if you are later exposed to these toxins in lower doses (and you almost certainly will!), your body will be full prepared to combat the toxins to MAXIMUM EFFECT! Plus, you will be able to gauge your body’s response to the various toxins present, allowing you to focus your efforts on those most harmful to your specific situation. Put simply, you should be especially frugal with foods described in Tip 3.
Tip 3: If you discover you have ordered a food with an especially potent toxin, have seconds!
“But Dr. Lake,” my readers cry, “surely you aren’t recommending that we consume more toxins!?” “Naturally not!” I reply! However, in this special case, when you have ACTIVELY IDENTIFIED that your environment presents you with a uniquely potent toxin, you should act to develop an immunity as quickly as possible! Though in the short term your body will suffer the curse of greater levels of toxins, in the long term, these toxins will fade away! When they fade, your body will feel ALL THE MORE REFRESHED that they are gone! High blood pressure? Finish those surprise fries! Your heart will get an extra workout tonight, but just might take tomorrow off for a HEALING VACATION! Peanut allergy? Another order of satay please, with an EpiPen to go!
Tip 4: Order food to go.
“But Dr. Lake!” my readers will exclaim, “reheating food isn’t energy efficient!” True indeed! But this, of course, is why you shouldn’t let the food get home! Taking food home and eating it there will only expose you to DEADLY TOXINS likely present on dishes and eating utensils, not to mention the harmful effects of food from deadly MICROWAVE RADIATION! To avoid both, open and consume extra food items on the walk home, while driving, or even during a healthy jog! Just be careful! Urban air is literally TEEMING WITH TOXINS, and as such, it is CRITICALLY ESSENTIAL that you avoid any activities that demand increased respiration rates! That is, when jogging, try to keep your heart rate below a strenuous pulse rate of 110 beats per minute. Your resting heart rate is 110, you say? Splendid! Then why would you need to jog? It’s like you’re already exercising!
Tip 5: Exercise while sitting perfectly still.
“Dr Lake!” my readers will surely exclaim, “is that even possible?!” To this question, I am delighted to report an enthusiastic “YES!” Some people are cursed with resting heart rates as low as 50 beats per minute. Taking even a quick look at any aerobic heart rate chart will reveal that people in such a horrifying condition will have to work EXTREMELY HARD to feel any effects of exercise! Think of how many toxins they will gulp up while sprinting past all of that urban traffic on city streets! If you wouldn’t suck on the tailpipe of your own car, would you really want to breathe the fumes of an entire neighborhood!? Heck no! To avoid doing this, develop an exercise plan of extensive meditation straight away! Not in the mood to meditate? Then feel free to turn on the television to help you regain your inner focus. Making these activities part of each and every day will help you get your heart rate steadily higher each and every day. Before you know it, even the most menial day-to-day tasks will feel exactly like exercise, and confer all of the same benefits – all without being outside in the toxin-laden air!
Keeping these 5 Tips in mind, even the most embattled urban dwellers should be on the road to recovery, all with the help of the tenants of Dr. Lake’s Full Body Cleanse!
“How,” they ask, “can we continue to see these horrible problems when we are faithful followers of Dr. Lake’s Full Body Cleanse?!” (patent pending)
The trouble, of course, comes from additional toxins present in the urban lifestyle. (And, try though they might, some readers still have trouble maintaining the true Full Body Cleanse (FBC) lifestyle in an urban environment! (Yes, it’s disturbing but true. Despite repeated letters from Dr. Lake, few major metropolitan areas have mandated inclusion of at least one Epsom Salts-based beverage and one royal jelly-based entrée on restaurant menus.)
For these readers (who must suffer through their lives at great personal risk) I have developed these handy tips to help you fight toxins and maintain a healthy body weight of no more than a Brobdingnagian 100 lbs.
When forced to eat out at restaurants, many people order one dish and then look down in dismay as they are served a greasy, toxin-laced mess of “food.” Because the restaurant does not hold to Dr. Lake’s Minimum Standards of Quality (MSQ), repeated demands to prepare the meal with more magnets will go unheeded! Because this is almost inevitable, urban readers are advised to do the following.
Tip 1: When eating out, be sure to order at least three entrées and several appetizers.
When done properly, Tip 1 allows you to examine how the restaurant prepares food, sample several of its attempts, and identify which ones are most in line with Dr. Lake’s FBC lifestyle. Further, with such a broad sample, you should be able to gauge whether the eatery in question is making even a modest attempt to adhere to Dr. Lake’s MSQ. Knowing these things, you can be prepared to order sensibly in the future, or possibly be required to move on to some other diner to repeat the process anew. Because this can get costly, readers are advised to keep in mind the following useful suggestion.
Tip 2: Don’t waste food!
“But Dr. Lake,” they demand, “won’t that just expose me to more toxins?!” In short, yes. However, clearly, if you are reading this, you are already living a life awash in toxins! Thus, if you have already accidentally been forced to spend your money on food not adhering to all of the MSQ, you should make an effort to salvage the loss by attempting to develop a tolerance for as many of these toxins as possible. Consume all of them, and in so doing, allow your body to develop natural antibodies and resistances to all of the harmful substances therein. Thus, if you are later exposed to these toxins in lower doses (and you almost certainly will!), your body will be full prepared to combat the toxins to MAXIMUM EFFECT! Plus, you will be able to gauge your body’s response to the various toxins present, allowing you to focus your efforts on those most harmful to your specific situation. Put simply, you should be especially frugal with foods described in Tip 3.
Tip 3: If you discover you have ordered a food with an especially potent toxin, have seconds!
“But Dr. Lake,” my readers cry, “surely you aren’t recommending that we consume more toxins!?” “Naturally not!” I reply! However, in this special case, when you have ACTIVELY IDENTIFIED that your environment presents you with a uniquely potent toxin, you should act to develop an immunity as quickly as possible! Though in the short term your body will suffer the curse of greater levels of toxins, in the long term, these toxins will fade away! When they fade, your body will feel ALL THE MORE REFRESHED that they are gone! High blood pressure? Finish those surprise fries! Your heart will get an extra workout tonight, but just might take tomorrow off for a HEALING VACATION! Peanut allergy? Another order of satay please, with an EpiPen to go!
Tip 4: Order food to go.
“But Dr. Lake!” my readers will exclaim, “reheating food isn’t energy efficient!” True indeed! But this, of course, is why you shouldn’t let the food get home! Taking food home and eating it there will only expose you to DEADLY TOXINS likely present on dishes and eating utensils, not to mention the harmful effects of food from deadly MICROWAVE RADIATION! To avoid both, open and consume extra food items on the walk home, while driving, or even during a healthy jog! Just be careful! Urban air is literally TEEMING WITH TOXINS, and as such, it is CRITICALLY ESSENTIAL that you avoid any activities that demand increased respiration rates! That is, when jogging, try to keep your heart rate below a strenuous pulse rate of 110 beats per minute. Your resting heart rate is 110, you say? Splendid! Then why would you need to jog? It’s like you’re already exercising!
Tip 5: Exercise while sitting perfectly still.
“Dr Lake!” my readers will surely exclaim, “is that even possible?!” To this question, I am delighted to report an enthusiastic “YES!” Some people are cursed with resting heart rates as low as 50 beats per minute. Taking even a quick look at any aerobic heart rate chart will reveal that people in such a horrifying condition will have to work EXTREMELY HARD to feel any effects of exercise! Think of how many toxins they will gulp up while sprinting past all of that urban traffic on city streets! If you wouldn’t suck on the tailpipe of your own car, would you really want to breathe the fumes of an entire neighborhood!? Heck no! To avoid doing this, develop an exercise plan of extensive meditation straight away! Not in the mood to meditate? Then feel free to turn on the television to help you regain your inner focus. Making these activities part of each and every day will help you get your heart rate steadily higher each and every day. Before you know it, even the most menial day-to-day tasks will feel exactly like exercise, and confer all of the same benefits – all without being outside in the toxin-laden air!
Keeping these 5 Tips in mind, even the most embattled urban dwellers should be on the road to recovery, all with the help of the tenants of Dr. Lake’s Full Body Cleanse!
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Dr. Lake's Full Body Cleanse
Have you ever noticed that you are a FAT WHALE?!
SO many of us have!
Did you realize that this is due ENTIRELY to a massive accumulation of the toxins in the food we eat, the things we drink, and the filthy air we breathe?
Well, I did! And unlike so many other people, I dedicated my life to developing a new, revolutionary system to CLEAN OUT THESE TOXINS!
The Full Body Cleanse (FBC) must adress all three of the primary routes of toxin intake. Unlike most other cleanses, which remove toxins only from individual organs, the full body cleanse does more than just shift toxins around. We will address each of the three routes of toxin accumulation individually.
1) The "Food" We Eat
Many people go through life shopping at the grocery store and eating out at restaurants without ever realizing that THESE ARE NOT PLACES YOU CAN BUY FOOD! The so called "packaged food products" that these places peddle to unsuspecting children are little more than concentrated packages of toxins surrounding toxin-laced strarches and fats of no nutritional value! To combat this, one must intake nothing but the patented elixer which I now provide free of charge.
Food Elixer
2 liters of distilled, reverse osmosis, desalinated, ozonated, fresh spring water. (NOTE: The water must be cleaned in that order! Start wth fresh spring water, ozonate it to kill unsafe bactera, desalinate it to remove unhealthy processed salts*, use reverse osmosis to remove trace toxins in the water from acid rain and other man-made pollutants, and then distill the water to remove everything else.)
17.3 Tablespoons of royal jelly**
2.5 teaspoons of saffron pollen
16 tablespoons of key lime juice***
3/2 cup Vox vodka****
*Many people do not realize that the salts that cause high blood pressure and hypertension come from places like unconsecrated sea water! Do not make this mistake!
**NOTE: Some people may think that royal jelly is too expensive to make into delicious elixers. Do not trust them. These people have bought into the corporate lies that have created the obesity epidemic and only want to hold you down!
***Note: "Rose's Sweet Lime Juice" can be substituted to save money. (Not recommended
****Vox vodka is specially formulated with anti-toxin certified distillation techniques. Use of Grey Goose, or other INFERIOR vodkas will only reinforce the underlying buildup of toxins that you are trying to fight!
Place all of the ingredients in a blender with 2 cups of mountain river spring water ice. Blend until smooth. Portion this mixture into 19 individual, easy to imbibe, convenient 4.587 ounce servings. This elixer will be providing 100% of your daily nutrients. Be sure to consume at least 7 servings per day!
2) The "Liquids" We Drink
Most people go through life without ever pondering the horrifying ramifications of consuming only beverages derived from water or alcohol that was FROZEN DURING THE ICE AGE or MADE OF STARCH WHEN IN THE PLANT! Liquids that are derived from solid sources lack the inherent inter-molecular alignment necessary for proper toxin solvation! Refer to the following easy-to-understand diagram to understand the problem:
Water-Water-Alcohol-Water-Water-TOXINS-Alcohol-Water-Water
This is very bad! The toxins are not being carried away!
Water-T-Water-O-Alcohol-X-Water-I-Water-N-Alcohol-S-Water-Water
Note how the toxins are being broken apart and flushed away!
To solve this, one must specially prepare the liquids consumed to help flush away and break up the toxins.
Liquid Elixer
2 liters of distilled, reverse osmosis, desalinated, ozonated, fresh spring water
4 industrial strength magnets (must be capable of lifting at least 10 lbs together)
3 Tablespoons of Epsom salts
4 Tablespoons of Organic*****, certified sea salts
5 Tablespoons of all-natural, unsweetened aloe vera juice
3 packets of "Sweet and Low"******
1 liter of Vox vodka
*****Remember, non-organic sea salt will only add toxins to your body!
******"Sweet and Low" contains non of the toxic calories common in so many of our modern "alternative" food sources. ("Splenda" can be substituted if you have strong taste preferences.)
Place all of the ingredients (except the magnets) in a CLEAN blender. The magnets should be placed in a perfect square on the four cardinal directions of the magnetic poles of the Earth, equidistant from and 4.1 inches from the blender. (Do not believe the lies that the Earth has only one magnetic pole. Using a compass will CLEARLY SHOW east and west poles!) Blend until smooth. Consume all 3.1 liters in one sitting. The blending helps to orient the molecules during the mixing process.
3) The "Air" We Breathe
Most people know from experience that the air we breathe in today's industrial society is FULL OF polluants and other toxins! This is very hard to avoid, as the air SURROUNDS US AS WE GO ABOUT OUR LIVES! There are few things that we can do to avoid these toxins, therefore, extreme measures must be taken!
Air Elixer
4 industrial strength magnets (must be capable of lifting at least 10 lbs together)
4 pounds of Organic, certified sea salts (must be larger than a grain size of a 4 mesh sieve)
3 cups baking Splenda
1 300 Watt hot plate.
Combine the salt and Splenda. Mix well. Place the four magnets in a perfect square on
the four cardinal directions of the magnetic poles of the Earth, equidistant from each other, in a cast-iron pan. Cover with the salt mixture. Heat on full power. After the mixture has been heated, inhale deeply the purified air over the pan. The air should smell sweet, and faintly of Splenda to show that it is purified!
These three elixers, taken together, will give RAPID GAINS in health and alertness! Just look at these user testimonials:
FormerWhale45: "I lot over 15 lbs in just three days! Lake is a Genios!"
HealthNUT19: "The air elixer is the best. You can really feel the toxins coming out of you, and your breath tastes sweet for up to 20 minutes later! That's how you know it's working!"
TotalConvert2Cleanse: "I was skeptical at first. For the first few days, I wasn't sure if I was in the bathroom passing blood or just toxins, but after looking into the science, I realized that it could be both! I lost over 45 lbs on this system in under a month! And my 4 year old niece lost 5 lbs of pure baby fat in just two days!"
Skeptic@First: "You get used to the taste of Epsom Salts even faster than you get used to drinking that much Vox! Now I just can't stop! I can't even get out of bed anymore without downing 3 liters of Liquid Elixer! After 3 months on the system, I know that having no toxins is way more important than not having a job any more."
SO many of us have!
Did you realize that this is due ENTIRELY to a massive accumulation of the toxins in the food we eat, the things we drink, and the filthy air we breathe?
Well, I did! And unlike so many other people, I dedicated my life to developing a new, revolutionary system to CLEAN OUT THESE TOXINS!
The Full Body Cleanse (FBC) must adress all three of the primary routes of toxin intake. Unlike most other cleanses, which remove toxins only from individual organs, the full body cleanse does more than just shift toxins around. We will address each of the three routes of toxin accumulation individually.
1) The "Food" We Eat
Many people go through life shopping at the grocery store and eating out at restaurants without ever realizing that THESE ARE NOT PLACES YOU CAN BUY FOOD! The so called "packaged food products" that these places peddle to unsuspecting children are little more than concentrated packages of toxins surrounding toxin-laced strarches and fats of no nutritional value! To combat this, one must intake nothing but the patented elixer which I now provide free of charge.
Food Elixer
2 liters of distilled, reverse osmosis, desalinated, ozonated, fresh spring water. (NOTE: The water must be cleaned in that order! Start wth fresh spring water, ozonate it to kill unsafe bactera, desalinate it to remove unhealthy processed salts*, use reverse osmosis to remove trace toxins in the water from acid rain and other man-made pollutants, and then distill the water to remove everything else.)
17.3 Tablespoons of royal jelly**
2.5 teaspoons of saffron pollen
16 tablespoons of key lime juice***
3/2 cup Vox vodka****
*Many people do not realize that the salts that cause high blood pressure and hypertension come from places like unconsecrated sea water! Do not make this mistake!
**NOTE: Some people may think that royal jelly is too expensive to make into delicious elixers. Do not trust them. These people have bought into the corporate lies that have created the obesity epidemic and only want to hold you down!
***Note: "Rose's Sweet Lime Juice" can be substituted to save money. (Not recommended
****Vox vodka is specially formulated with anti-toxin certified distillation techniques. Use of Grey Goose, or other INFERIOR vodkas will only reinforce the underlying buildup of toxins that you are trying to fight!
Place all of the ingredients in a blender with 2 cups of mountain river spring water ice. Blend until smooth. Portion this mixture into 19 individual, easy to imbibe, convenient 4.587 ounce servings. This elixer will be providing 100% of your daily nutrients. Be sure to consume at least 7 servings per day!
2) The "Liquids" We Drink
Most people go through life without ever pondering the horrifying ramifications of consuming only beverages derived from water or alcohol that was FROZEN DURING THE ICE AGE or MADE OF STARCH WHEN IN THE PLANT! Liquids that are derived from solid sources lack the inherent inter-molecular alignment necessary for proper toxin solvation! Refer to the following easy-to-understand diagram to understand the problem:
Water-Water-Alcohol-Water-Water-TOXINS-Alcohol-Water-Water
This is very bad! The toxins are not being carried away!
Water-T-Water-O-Alcohol-X-Water-I-Water-N-Alcohol-S-Water-Water
Note how the toxins are being broken apart and flushed away!
To solve this, one must specially prepare the liquids consumed to help flush away and break up the toxins.
Liquid Elixer
2 liters of distilled, reverse osmosis, desalinated, ozonated, fresh spring water
4 industrial strength magnets (must be capable of lifting at least 10 lbs together)
3 Tablespoons of Epsom salts
4 Tablespoons of Organic*****, certified sea salts
5 Tablespoons of all-natural, unsweetened aloe vera juice
3 packets of "Sweet and Low"******
1 liter of Vox vodka
*****Remember, non-organic sea salt will only add toxins to your body!
******"Sweet and Low" contains non of the toxic calories common in so many of our modern "alternative" food sources. ("Splenda" can be substituted if you have strong taste preferences.)
Place all of the ingredients (except the magnets) in a CLEAN blender. The magnets should be placed in a perfect square on the four cardinal directions of the magnetic poles of the Earth, equidistant from and 4.1 inches from the blender. (Do not believe the lies that the Earth has only one magnetic pole. Using a compass will CLEARLY SHOW east and west poles!) Blend until smooth. Consume all 3.1 liters in one sitting. The blending helps to orient the molecules during the mixing process.
3) The "Air" We Breathe
Most people know from experience that the air we breathe in today's industrial society is FULL OF polluants and other toxins! This is very hard to avoid, as the air SURROUNDS US AS WE GO ABOUT OUR LIVES! There are few things that we can do to avoid these toxins, therefore, extreme measures must be taken!
Air Elixer
4 industrial strength magnets (must be capable of lifting at least 10 lbs together)
4 pounds of Organic, certified sea salts (must be larger than a grain size of a 4 mesh sieve)
3 cups baking Splenda
1 300 Watt hot plate.
Combine the salt and Splenda. Mix well. Place the four magnets in a perfect square on
the four cardinal directions of the magnetic poles of the Earth, equidistant from each other, in a cast-iron pan. Cover with the salt mixture. Heat on full power. After the mixture has been heated, inhale deeply the purified air over the pan. The air should smell sweet, and faintly of Splenda to show that it is purified!
These three elixers, taken together, will give RAPID GAINS in health and alertness! Just look at these user testimonials:
FormerWhale45: "I lot over 15 lbs in just three days! Lake is a Genios!"
HealthNUT19: "The air elixer is the best. You can really feel the toxins coming out of you, and your breath tastes sweet for up to 20 minutes later! That's how you know it's working!"
TotalConvert2Cleanse: "I was skeptical at first. For the first few days, I wasn't sure if I was in the bathroom passing blood or just toxins, but after looking into the science, I realized that it could be both! I lost over 45 lbs on this system in under a month! And my 4 year old niece lost 5 lbs of pure baby fat in just two days!"
Skeptic@First: "You get used to the taste of Epsom Salts even faster than you get used to drinking that much Vox! Now I just can't stop! I can't even get out of bed anymore without downing 3 liters of Liquid Elixer! After 3 months on the system, I know that having no toxins is way more important than not having a job any more."
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