You, Yes You, Are Completely Insane

I am the most ridiculously annoying person to get into a fight with. Ask anyone who’s ever tried to fight with me. They’ll tell you. Trust me on this one.

The reason for this annoyance is that I do it all wrong. The other person will spend all of his or her time trying desperately to nail home the point that I’m wrong. I’ll spend all my time ignoring that completely and asking questions in an effort to determine how it is we arrived at a difference in viewpoints. If that doesn’t work out, I’ll shift into trying to determine if a unified perspective was even possible. If that still fails, I’ll move on to trying to see if it we started with the same assumptions. Failing that, I’ll try and discover if there is anything to be gained by continuing to spend energy worrying about it.

This tends to work out great if any of the following are true:
1) There actually is an undeniably correct position in the disagreement.
2) The isn’t any set correct position in the disagreement.

I think that’s why it pisses people off so much. I do pretty much the same sequence of things in any disagreement, and the results are either favorable or a stalemate that I (on my end) perceive as favorable. It’s sort of a cheerful neutron bomb. Let me give you an example of what this seems to be like (from my limited perspective):

Cold War-Era USSR (you): Capitalist pigs! Your civilian cruise ship strayed briefly into Soviet waters! We demand an immediate and unconditional public apology!

Cold War-Era US (me): Hmm? I thought we resolved this already. It was a cruise ship. The captain was drunk. As soon as we noticed the moron was asleep at the wheel, we got his ass out of there. It was a harmless mistake, our bad. But it’s hardly a big deal. The thing was in your waters for about five minutes. They didn’t do anything, and we’ve already corrected the mistake.
Cold War-Era USSR (you): Then you admit you’re wrong! I demand a full public apology!
Cold War-Era US (me): I think you’re missing the point here. If I were to make a public apology, it would sound silly. No harm was done, no one ever meant any harm, and the whole situation was about as threatening as renegade sea otter.
Cold War-Era USSR (you): I demand that apology!
Cold War-Era US (me): What would that gain you exactly? Don’t you think that turning this into a huge media sensation and involving all our friends would just make us look like a couple of children having a pissing contest? We’ve already corrected the problem here, and we did so quickly and cheerfully. Everyone should be happy. I’m not quite sure why you’re not.
Cold War-Era USSR (you): Your arrogance will be your downfall! This means war!
Cold War-Era US (me): Arrogance? My only positions in this have been that I have a moron drunkard captain in my civilian fleet, and that fighting is bad.
Cold War-Era USSR (you): You will pay for your refusal to cooperate!
Cold War-Era US (me): ::sighs:: If you don’t drop this, I’ll neutron bomb all your cities and add any relevant works of art I find to my personal collection. Just drop it already.
Cold War-Era USSR (you): You bastard!

Again, I type this jokingly, intending to highlight that things look a certain way from a certain perspective.

Now I’m going to show you why I feel so good about taking the position of, “Your chosen perspective matters in all arguments, and is really the only thing that matters.” At all times. It’s because we’re both crazy-ass weirdos who have no idea what’s right and what’s wrong.

I’ll bet I would not win any points with you if I started a conversation by saying, “We can’t trust your perspective on this because every time you move your head, you start to hallucinate.” That would be a pretty dick think to say. So I won’t say it. I’ll just offer it up as a hypothetical in that, if it were true, it would really cast some doubts on your perspective on things. While you think about that outrageous statement, focus on the dot in the middle of this picture, and move your head forwards and backwards towards and away from the screen.

If nothing unusual at all happened, we can conclude nothing about your perspective. If you saw something crazy, like the picture spinning to life as you moved your head, well, that would be crazy. It’s a picture. It doesn’t move. To prove it to you, I’ll post another picture.

See? It’s a picture. All the colors are clearly defined as being in exactly one place at all times. It’s fact! Undeniably true. Eminently provable. If you can’t even look at a picture and immediately conclude that it’s not moving, well, it might not be too wise to be spending a lot of energy insisting that you are undeniably right about the other crazy shit you might believe you know.

“f*ck me hard please”

As many of you know, I have a Gmail account handle the vast majority of my email needs. In fact, I use a large number of the free Google services. Google services have made many things that I do much nicer in ways I don’t think would be interesting to list. My only concern about Google is that when I hear that shares in the seemingly non-sales-driven-experimental-tech company have blown past $900 per share, I get worried the stock market is prepping for a major correction. This is not Google’s fault, however. Caveat emptor.

The one Google service relevant to this post is the spam filter in Gmail. It works amazingly well. Until yesterday, it correctly guessed what was spam and what wasn’t 100% of the time.

Then, yesterday, Peter Vance sent me the following email:
Title: “f*ck me hard please”
“i want f*ck you all night! http://nodatinghere.com

”cavities beakerful columbia tret estimable flavescent prattfall
”prounion setenant mother unconductive chatelainry khis
”ophthalmomyotomy locky
”homekeeping officerial elegant occipitocervical unpenetrable
”spoonless ophthalmectomy”

That got through the spam filter. To all appearances, many people were reading that email and concluding, “This must be from one of my friends!”

At first, I was confused. I checked my spam folder to see what DIDN’T get through. There were several hundred emails in there, all well chosen.

Then suddenly, a light bulb went on in my head. Google thought *I* wrote that email. See, it all makes sense like that. My friends tell me that even when I’m talking about things like trade policy, tax law, savings plans, and philosophy, all they hear is “I want to fuck you all night! No dating! Right here!” followed by a seemingly endless chain of less interesting and much longer words. This is generally billed as being my fault.

And take a closer look at the body of that email. I have to admit, it DOES bear a striking resemblance to the way I choose words when I’m writing for clarity! Generally, in situations like this, when I send out emails, I get replies along the line of, “I’m so happy to hear that you’re thinking of my cervix! I didn’t know I had one! But you’re right, I do have a lot of cavities! And they sure are estimable! Haha! I’m not quite sure what you meant by all of that, but I know for a fact that I’m not unpenetrable! Hehe!”

Then I send back a reply along the lines of, “What? I asked you if you thought that ‘Golden Compass’ would get more or less bad press if they didn’t change the name of the antagonist group.”

Then they reply, “Ok, I DO like being held down bad, but don’t be too antagonistic, you kinky bastard! I’ve never tried group before!”

At this point I give up and see the movie alone, while pondering if I can recover my losses if I just try to have sex with the confused friend despite having written off the idea of anything remotely resembling dating.

That said, I can see why this one slipped through.

The Spirit of the Law

Florida State Troopers recently found two garbage bags of pot along the highway. They are holding them at the station. If you believe these bags of pot (worth $54,000) are yours, feel free to stop by and pick them up.

http://blogs.usatoday.com/ondeadline/2007/11/lost-found-cops.html

I have conflicting feelings about this. Despite the fact that alcohol is a little too hardcore for me, I am generally of the opinion that the US would be better off if all street drugs were legal, FDA regulated, and taxed at exorbitant rates. In other words, I really don’t care WHAT you think is fun to put in your body, so long as you pay somebody to clean up your messes afterwards. I feel this is better than the current system where people put whatever they want in their bodies anyway, but they instead give all their money to criminal empires that make further messes instead.

Despite this, I want to give a solid round of applause to the Florida State Troopers in question. This idea is a masterpiece.

Again, I don’t really care if your idea of a good weekend is smoking two garbage bags of pot. Go right ahead.

However, anyone who will call up the Florida State Troopers and try to pick up two garbage bags of the stuff? I want that person off the streets. Quickly. And then I want that person executed. Sometimes, it’s in the best interest of everyone to help Darwin along.

I’m in the _______, ____ing your _______

I recently caused a minor stir by posting a blog entry that made fun of myself, but was ridiculously unclear on about what, how, or for what reason. I provided enough context clues to figure it out, but only with some work or fore-knowledge.

I figured that the post would be ignored by everyone except the select few people who would find it obvious.

I was wrong. The people who had the most fun with it were the people who had no clue WHATSOEVER what I was talking about and saw the whole thing as an enticing mystery.

I’m going to build on that success today. I’m going to tell you a true story in multiple choice format. Again, I promise, for each blank, one of the answers is something I really did, and the other three answers did not happen. Taken together, the correct answers will cohere into a true story.

Ready? Go!

1) I will be moving back to Chicago at some point next year. This should come as no surprise because ______________.

A) Living as a relative hermit is less fun than it sounds.
B) I miss my family.
C) The police are on to me.
D) I only ever planned to live in Wisconsin for three years to build up my resume.

2) As a result, I’ve started to actively try to use up ______________.

A) The eligible love interests of the area.
B) The goodwill of my neighbors.
C) The points on my Wisconsin driver’s license.
D) The non-perishable items in my pantry.

3) One thing that I was quick to notice is that I have an extreme abundance of ______________.

A) Homely admirers.
B) Gullible neighbors.
C) Condoms.
D) Aging spices that I rarely use.

4) To that end, I came up with a creative solution. I decided to ______________.

A) Give speed dating a try, shooting for quantity over quality for a change.
B) Start borrowing peculiar items at odd times of the day.
C) Invent some new practical jokes.
D) Confuse my coworkers as usual, but in a new way.

5) That decided, I packed up my ______________ with ______________ and headed off to ______________.

A) pockets; Viagra; the community center
B) backpack; assorted tools that I promised to return; neighboring apartments
C) backpack; industrial magnets; the parking lot
D) backpack; exotic, fragrant spices; work

6) I spent the next month ______________.

A) Dipping my wick like I was trying to make one FAT candle.
B) Giving “Ace Hardware” a run for their money.
C) Sealing people’s car door keyholes with ridiculously-hard-to-remove magnets and posting the videos of people trying to get into their cars on YouTube.
D) Putting unusual and unexpected spices in with the coffee before I brewed a fresh pot.

7) The response was overwhelmingly ______________.

A) Positive. It was suggested that I quit my day job.
B) Nonexistent. It seems people were willing to give me almost anything just to make me go away, and had no interest in getting it back if it meant talking to me further.
C) Positive. I’m starting a viral video campaign to rival “Britney Boy” Chris Crocker.
D) Peculiar. I was accused of using the coffee maker to make tea, despite the fact that the coffee was made full strength, just with added flavors.

8) As a result of this experiment, I ______________.

A) Am still trying to get rid of some “waxy buildup,” but I like a challenge.
B) Am planning to build my next place on an open lot and save on rent.
C) Have been contacted by MTV as a possible replacement to the series “Jackass.”
D) Have concluded that my coworkers like to complain and have no sense of taste.

Lake <3’s Disney

Generally, I find Disney movies unpalatable. I liked “Enchanted,” because it seemed to know this, and admitted that I have a point. That’s all I ask. Self-aware Disney was pretty funny.

Here’s my big problem with Disney: all the plot arcs look exactly the same (to me). Let me tell you the plot of every Disney movie I have ever seen (I have not seen as many as you think.)

“Oh no! I’m a beautiful young person with little to no real life experience! One or many of my parents or guardians seem mean to me! In response to this, I will make an ENORMOUS life-destroying lifestyle choice. Oh, look, I am ruined because I made an enormous life-destroying lifestyle choice! Fortunately, I met an equally ungifted beautiful young person of the opposite gender as a result of our shared poor choices! We’re so cute together that everything works out! Yay!”

(Objections to this summary that sound like, “You are forgetting the 1942 classic, ‘Aryana and the 28 Negro Servants!’” will be ignored or outright mocked, at my discretion.)

This plot arc teaches a valuable life lesson: “It’s ok to be retarded as long as you are adorable.”

In my life, I have met thousands of people who seem to have taken this life lesson to heart.

In my life, I have met dozens of people who are actually adorable.

Doing some quick math and rounding a little, that makes thousands of non-adorable, willfully retarded people. This is not the recipe for success.





That said, go watch this right now. Don’t read past the link until it’s over. Give it until halfway in before you give up, even if it makes you queasy. I’m sending you to watch this for a reason, though I don’t want to spoil the surprise.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9-CS2v8wcc













Outstanding. You might think I want to make fun of that guy, but no. I’m impressed. I hope he gets laid about 500 times for having done that.

I didn’t like Aladdin at all. And that song drove me nuts in Jr. High, though it was popular with everyone else. But after watching that clip a few times, I have revised my opinion. That song is GENIUS if we take it to this new level.

Let’s tweak the premise of Aladdin slightly. The original plot summary was this:
“Lying street urchin rescues princess from her horrible life of boring opulence.”

If, as Nick (the singer) accidentally suggested (by playing both roles himself), there was only one protagonist to the story, then we can revise the plot to this:
“Schizophrenic princess has romantic visions of fantasy street urchin and his spirit guardians. These visions give her the ability to self-love when they break apart from her main personality and attain equal standing in her mind. Princess has visions of fantastic adventures, while at no point actually doing anything to threaten her status in the royal court. In fact, though she imagines otherwise, these visions make her a smash hit at royal parties.”

That revised movie sounds fascinating. I think a few Disney classics could benefit from this modification.

The Little Mermaid with the Big Flipper
“Lonely mermaid annoys father when she becomes infatuated with land-dwelling alterego, spends hours each day humping rocks at the surface (much to the delight of intrigued sailors), and eventually completely loses grip on reality. Spends retirement trying to hop through the silt on the bottom of the ocean in a seaweed “dress” while talking to self.”

Beauty and Satan
“Bored with her day job, eccentric beauty runs away to abandoned castle where she talks to antique furniture regularly. As days pass, she becomes obsessed with an imaginary though elusive demon. As the demon haunts her more and more, she loses touch with her aesthetic sense and gives in to his dark embrace. Having gone to the dark side, that which she before thought was ugly now appears beautiful. She spends the next month poisoning wells and vandalizing the town before she is burned as a witch.”

Portabella
“Insane prince annoys royal court by spending an entire royal ball dancing with a ripe pumpkin. Departs abruptly at midnight, leaving a trail of discarded clothes as he rushes into the streets.”

Drowsy Beauty
“Lonely forest beauty does inappropriate things to produce until she passes out. Has prolonged dream in which an especially savory apple shows her what ‘the fruit of knowledge’ can really offer.”

I should start my own studio.

Hardcore Bathroom Sex

A few weeks back at work, the building manager and I arrived right on time, around 5:00 AM. We both like to arrive to work under cover of darkness. It cuts back on the questions when the witness count is low.

Naturally, we were both still a little out of it. He had had his excitement the night before and I had had mine. We both needed a pick me up.

As he cut lines on his desktop, I rolled last weeks project reports into a tube that would make sushi feel inadequate. I could tell right off that both of us were going for volume today.

I cut the straw in half and handed him his. As he poised himself over a line about the size of a bread knife, he looked up. “The towels in the men’s room aren’t rolling properly. Take care of it.”

Ignoring what sounded like a “Shop-Vac” in turbo mode, I thought of the towelboy who had let the situation get so out of hand. He would have to be punished, to send a message to towelboys everywhere.

A few hours later, as the sun began to rise, the laundry truck pulled up in front of my building. From my office window, I could see him hop off the back. His blonde hair glistened in the morning light. His shorts revealing everything I needed to know and more. This was going to be fun.

Half an hour later, he was in the men’s room, approaching to the unrolled towels piled on the floor. He hadn’t heard me enter. As he scooped up the piles on the floor, I ran a finger down his spine, from his neck to his waistline. He dropped the towels and spun around with a gasp.

“Morning.” I said, sternly. “I want to show you something.” I pulled open the towel dispenser with one practiced move. I was ready. “I see you noticed that we’ve been having a little trouble with the quality of your service lately. Do you see this?” I gestured at the rolling mechanism. The grit roller was visibly warn at the edges. “When we’re having trouble with our towel service…” I rolled a finger across the worn roller, “It usually means that things need to get a little more… rough.”

His eyes widened. He could tell where this was going.

“So how are you going to fix this?”

He shivered slightly. I made my move.

I pushed him back slightly over the sink and pushed my finger into the base of his neck, just firmly enough to register pressure. “Obviously, we need to come up with a solution that will work for all parties. Don’t we?” I hooked my finger under his top button and gave a fast tug. The button flew into the uniform racks behind me. “There. Progress.”

An hour later, the towelboy hurried out of the building towards his truck. Only someone watching could tell that his shirt was held closed by no more than his subtle grip and the pile of towels in his arms. Because he had so quickly taken care of the problem, I’d rewarded him with a quick breakfast after his service work. Now I needed a line.

As I left for my office, I had a thought. I’d wait another week, then put the old roller back on.

It’s a good life.

Bathroom Sex Rewrite

I got a bunch of complaints when I posted my entry entitled “Bathroom Sex.” It wasn’t really the reception I was expecting. Complaints, sure. But this kind of complaint?

See, I figured people might object to one of the following:
1) I objectified the laundry service as sex toys.
2) I pointed out that I assumed I could get a raise for sexually harassing the staff.
3) I posted a naughty blog entry in the first place.

I got zero complaints about those issues.

Instead, I got complaints about the following:
1) I never actually explained the many and diverse ways the laundry service could be used as sex toys.
2) I’d be qualified for a bigger raise than the 2% I suggested if my sex life were actually tied to my pay.
3) That post had far too much non-naughty “filler” material for something entitled “Bathroom Sex.”

In conclusion, my readers are perverts. I love you guys!

Ok, ok. I’ll take a few creative liberties and try the whole thing again. Tomorrow’s post will be unabashed fan service, by request. But do me a favor first. Go back and read the original “Bathroom Sex” entry. Do it now. It’ll make the post tomorrow more fun for you.

“Jenny Craig” Causes Global Warming.

(Conspiracy Theories III)
It’s been a while since I proved that gay people are a Chinese plot. Many readers complimented me on my passionate and well-documented argument.

Alas, it has not inspired a cult following.

The reason is obvious. That theory was designed to appeal to rednecks, hillbillies, women-haters, and racists. None of those groups read my blog. As such, my theory was at risk of infecting no one. Who does read my blog, you ask? Well, to be honest, I don’t know for sure either. But I do know that they all use computers. And given where my blog is published, they’re all probably pretty good with them too. That said, let’s assume that the vast majority of my readers are well educated, reasonably rational thinkers. If I want to start a conspiracy theory that will stand the test of time, I need to appeal to people like that.

Remember, I proved in my last post on this topic that you only need four things to have a rock-solid conspiracy theory:
1) Something or someone you hate.
2) Something in the world that is changing or has changed.
3) A link through the “common knowledge” that connects the first two ingredients.
4) Followers.

I did great with the first three, but I just didn’t publish in the right venue to nail number four. It’s certainly possible to write a conspiracy theory for well-educated and rational people. But when you do, you have to make your stream-of-consciousness writing RIGOROUS.

Are you ready? I’m about to prove, via valid scientific argument, that “Jenny Craig” causes global warning. And so it begins:

Despite continued criticism from fringe groups (mostly working from outside the scientific community), a strong correlation has been found between increasing average temperatures on Earth and the buildup of greenhouse gasses in the atmosphere.

The most valid argument refuting this point is that correlation does not necessarily imply causation. In other words, just because average temperature on Earth is rising at the same time that greenhouse gas concentrations are rising, it cannot be outright assumed that one is causing the other.

This argument is logically sound. However, people making this case almost universally falsely assume two things. First, they often argue that the current high temperatures observed are nothing unusual. They suggest, rather, the Earth is simply entering a period of warmth, in line with well-documented cycles of cool and warm ages in our planet’s history. The error here is that current temperatures being seen – which are still rising – are in fact well outside the documented past peaks. Second, the concentrations of greenhouse gasses in the atmosphere are not (similarly) something typical of past eras, as has been suggested. Rather, they too are climbing to unprecedented levels (in the history of multicellular life on Earth). The fact that the two peaks are both correlated and unprecedented serves to establish an easily defended (and mechanistically explainable) cause and effect relationship. From this, we can conclude that the scientific community at large is correct, and that greenhouse gasses do cause global warming. It is not necessary to touch on the areas of this topic which actually ARE controversial, such as what should be done about this.

The greenhouse gasses that are at the root of the added heat are carbon dioxide and methane. Both of these gasses have been seen only in trace quantities over the course of living history. They also share a common chemical feature: they have a carbon atom as their core element. This is in contrast with the nitrogen and oxygen that compose the overwhelming majority of the atmosphere naturally. They are the two lightest and most stable and readily formed carbon-based gasses.

The carbon in the air has to come from somewhere. It is not coming from space. Nor is either of these gasses light enough to be escaping the Earth into space in any significant quantity. That said, we can easily conclude that the buildup of gaseous carbon molecules (greenhouse gasses) in the atmosphere are coming from the liquid and/or solid carbon sources on earth.

Again, this point is readily defended. If we look at the atmosphere, and we notice that carbon-based molecules are increasing in it, that carbon must be coming from the only source of carbon not already there: the liquids and solids of Earth. The same case can be made for methane.

That said, it remains only to show how and why the carbon is being converted into a gaseous form in the atmosphere.

Typically, scientists have argued that industrial and commercial sources are causing this change. They make the case that burning coal and other fossil fuels takes carbon sources in solid and liquid forms and liberates the carbon atoms in these molecules into the gas phase. Or, put directly, this burning creates greenhouse gasses. That may be true.

However, it is reductive and silly to argue that this is the only input of carbon molecules into the atmosphere. What is so often overlooked in this argument is the well-established scientific fact that all (known) life on Earth operates on a carbon-backbone system. Our bodies are held together primarily by carbon-based molecules (which include proteins). Our food gives us energy in the form of carbon-based molecules. All other animals and plants on earth are similarly carbon-based. And as a result of this, all life on Earth can be thought of as a huge depository of carbon that could otherwise be in our atmosphere warming the Earth.

I will state this point again for clarity, because it is so key to the current treachery: The carbon held in our bodies is not loose in the atmosphere destroying our planet.

This is the point that “Jenny Craig” is using against us. For those of you not familiar with the evil secret behind the “Jenny Craig” corporation, I will give you a general breakdown of their key goals. “Jenny Craig” is a huge organization devoted to promoting an agenda of converting human life into greenhouse gasses.

The corporation hires armies of agents to set up shops around our fair nation to promote the vicious notion that Americans are grossly overweight. They will not listen to reasonable arguments that the human body converts food during times of plenty into wholly-natural body fat. Times of plenty such as those that would be seen during longer, warmer, sunnier summers. Again, this is a natural process. No special thought or planning is required. If there is an abundance of food available, we naturally eat this food and convert it into fat, making ourselves larger.

When we become larger, we contain and isolate larger deposits of carbon. This carbon is not loose warming our planet. It is not decaying in our granaries and becoming carbon dioxide. It is tucked safely away in the security of our bellies.

“Jenny Craig” would have all of us releasing our environmentally-friendly carbon deposits directly into the atmosphere via metabolism. They would have all of us exercising regularly and thus breathing out Earth-destroying greenhouse gasses with every forced breath. Further, they would have us eat more fruits and vegetables -- rich sources of fiber. This fiber would serve to make all of us more gassy, and thus enable the bacteria in our guts to turn us into walking methane factories. Were you aware that methane is a greenhouse gas roughly ten times as powerful as the oft-denounced carbon dioxide? It is. That’s a secret that the dieting industry doesn’t want you to know. Eating fruits and vegetables destroys the planet. Doing so forces your body into an artificial state in which you exhale destructive carbon dioxide from one end -- carbon dioxide that was previously safely contained -- and additionally forces you to create devastating methane gas via another channel.

Why, you ask, would Jenny Craig do such a thing? To make money of course. By creating the illusion that our huge, nutrient-rich bodies are “unhealthy” or “unnatural,” they create an enormous industry that accomplishes two goals. First, it keeps the public constantly on edge and depressed about their body images. It creates the entirely unnatural illusion that slimmer is better. When five year olds eat a cheeseburger, do they think these unnatural thoughts? Of course not. Such unnatural thinking is learned. Learned from manipulative sources like “Jenny Craig.” Second, they drive the environmentally-friendly among us -- our largest and most patriotic brothers and sisters -- and turn them into walking hyper-soldiers warring against our planet.

Dear readers, it’s all so very simple in this, the larger context. There is exactly one powerful force that the Earth uses to pull these modern unnatural amounts of carbon dioxide from the atmosphere. It’s called photosynthesis. Plants around the world are sucking the carbon dioxide out of the atmosphere, struggling to keep up with us. Animals then eat these plants and convert them into solid fats that protect the Earth. It’s the Earth’s all-natural, instinctive response.

That said, I implore you all, do your parts to help the environment! Don’t buy hybrid cars! Don’t turn off your lights when you’re not at home! Those are stop-gap measures at best. Instead, drive your SUV’s and run your air conditioners all winter. Whatever feels right. It’s natural. But while you do so, snack, snack, snack! Take responsibility for your actions! Become a walking carbon depository! Each pound you gain removes massive volumes of carbon dioxide from the atmosphere in the long run. That’s why it feels so natural. Save the planet, one cheeseburger at a time!

Don’t listen to the dark, scary agenda promoted by “Jenny Craig.” If they were truly working in line with the will of the Earth, would following their program feel so very wrong? Would it take so much willpower and psychological pain? Of course not. “Jenny Craig” is destroying the Earth. You can feel it in your very soul, as it gnaws at you from your slimming, empty belly.