Mesomorph-Optimized Vegan Cassoulet

Not long ago, as a joke/challenge, I invented a recipe for vegan cassoulet. Even less long ago, as a further challenge, I refined the recipe to be perfectly suited for someone with a mesomorph body type. That is to say, the end product gives 40% of it’s calories from carbohydrates, 30% from protein, and 30% from fat. It’s also delicious!

In a very large pot/wok-style pan, chop two carrot into slices roughly 5 mm thick. Add the entire contents of one can (28 oz) diced tomatoes. Heat to boiling as you continue preparation of other ingredients. (Note: if you use frozen carrots, this combination does not need to have as long to simmer as the carrots will already be softer.)

In a separate, large frying pan, add 8 Tbsp avocado oil. To this, add four boxes of SmartBacon, pre-separated and pre-cut into rough squares of side length equal to the thickness of the bacon strips themselves. (Note: getting the bacon ready takes a while. This time should see the carrots cooking in the tomato slurry. It should NOT see the avocado oil preheating, as it will likely burn before you’re ready.) Once the bacon has been separated and cut, add it to the oil and heat on high. Stir occasionally until about half of the squares just begin to blacken on the edges. (This will take a while.)

Once the bacon is cooking, add 4 cups frozen onions to the tomato/carrot mixture. By now, the carrots should be pre-cooked. Stir this combination until mixed. Continue heating. Add to this mixture the liquid from two cans of imitation duck (20 oz total), and two cans of imitation chicken (20 oz total). Stir once more and allow to continue on high heat. Continue to stir the pan-frying bacon. Dice the actual imitation duck and chicken into small chunks (vaguely the volume of a lima bean) and stir into the simmering mixture. Stir. Drain six cans (90 oz total) of cannoli beans. Add the beans only to the simmering mixture and stir again.

Cut eight links of Field Roast sausage in half length-wise, then into sections roughly one inch long. Check on the bacon. If it has blackened sufficiently, carefully transfer it to the large pot with tongs, retaining as much of the avocado oil as possible. (Note the bacon will be much hotter than the boiling point of the simmering cannoli bean mixture! Beware of the sputtering that will occur as you transfer!) Add the pre-cut Field Roast chunks to the retained oil. Allow these pieces to pan-fry on high heat, continuing to stir periodically until browned around the edges. Stir the bacon into the cannoli bean mixture. When the sausage chunks have browned, transfer them (oil and all) to the large pot. (Again, beware the sputtering!) Mix well and turn off heat.

In a separate bowl, mix 215 grams of carbohydrates in the form of breadcrumbs with spices to taste. (The breadcrumbs should be almost pure carbohydrate. Adjust the actual weight used to the given caloric unit of measure. I use this arcane system of measure to be flexible to what you may have around, not to be needlessly confusing.) The spices may be chosen on personal preference, but I suggest a mixture of equal parts herbes de provence, oregano, basil, and parsley. Use roughly four parts breadcrumbs to one part herb mixture by volume. (Note: if desired, the breadcrumbs offer the ideal place to deviate from the mesomorph ratio. Carbohydrate content of the recipe can be reduced significantly by using fewer breadcrumbs, or none at all. Taste of the final product is not dramatically changed, even if the breadcrumbs are omitted outright.)

Baking is not necessary, but can be done to reheat if desired. The cassoulet will thicken slightly as it cools. For a traditional presentation, partition the finished product into ramekins or other casserole dish to serve. Top with a generous layer of breadcrumbs. (All of them should be used to maintain the mesomorph ratio.)

In total, the finished product contains 8910 calories, of which roughly 3410 come from carbohydrates, 2552 come from protein, and 2552 come from fat, giving the desired final ratio. Note that these numbers do not sum perfectly, due to the rounding used on the packaging of the ingredients to present caloric information in whole-gram units. That said, while this caloric information is as accurate as possible given the source information, it should not be literally read as accurate to four significant digits.

Serving sizes may be chosen at the discretion of the reader, but as an example, dividing the final mixture into 22 equal portions results in a satisfyingly-full ramekin serving with 405 calories.