There’s a Christian music festival that sponsors festivals that I want to give special recognition today. The group is called “Lifest.” The award I’d like to give them is “Worst Named Group Ever.”
Let’s muddle through this one, shall we? I don’t know much about the group. I’m sure they’re nice people. But that name is just wrong. I don’t know how they pronounce it. But when I encountered that name in print, the thought process in my mind went like this: “Lifest. What is that? Well, it has ‘fest’ at the end, so the remainder must be a stand-alone syllable. I guess it’s ‘Li-Fest,’ sounds like ‘Lie-Fest.’ ::pause:: Uhm. No. I don’t think they call themselves ‘Lie-Fest.’ ‘Life-St?’ ‘Life-est?’ ‘Life-Fest?’ ‘Lee-Fest?’”
It was all too confusing, so I decided to run with “Lie-Fest.” Hence my award for “Worst Named Group Ever.” I admit that my choice isn’t exactly nice, but really, they made that the path of least resistance. I guarantee I am not alone in my choice of pronunciation.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Friday, July 20, 2007
Going the Long Way
We’re in the middle of the summer shutdown in my building at work. That’s when we shut everything down so that we can do lots of work on otherwise active systems. This is when a lot of the more unusual projects get done, which means this is when I'm busiest.
Last week, I was in the stairwell heading up to the third floor. As I got close to the landing, I noticed three guys standing around, looking bored, staring at the door I was planning on going through. One guys was standing directly in front of it, blocking my view through the window.
Since I wasn’t aware of anything unusual going on, I thought about asking why everyone was just standing around.
Before I opened my mouth, I heard a loud grinding noise. The outline of the guy staring at the door lit up like a Christmas tree. A thick sheet of sparks flooded through the crack under the door and around the guy’s boots, shooting seven feet towards the far wall. It looked a little bit like liquid fire was pouring through the crack.
I considered taking a look through the window in the door, but since the face of the guy in my way was now glowing orange, I thought better of the idea.
I decided to let Dumbledore and Voldemort fight it out in there alone. I took the long route.
Turns out, they were removing the existing door frame a little down the hall. I can only assume that they decided the best way to do this was with a flint chainsaw.
Last week, I was in the stairwell heading up to the third floor. As I got close to the landing, I noticed three guys standing around, looking bored, staring at the door I was planning on going through. One guys was standing directly in front of it, blocking my view through the window.
Since I wasn’t aware of anything unusual going on, I thought about asking why everyone was just standing around.
Before I opened my mouth, I heard a loud grinding noise. The outline of the guy staring at the door lit up like a Christmas tree. A thick sheet of sparks flooded through the crack under the door and around the guy’s boots, shooting seven feet towards the far wall. It looked a little bit like liquid fire was pouring through the crack.
I considered taking a look through the window in the door, but since the face of the guy in my way was now glowing orange, I thought better of the idea.
I decided to let Dumbledore and Voldemort fight it out in there alone. I took the long route.
Turns out, they were removing the existing door frame a little down the hall. I can only assume that they decided the best way to do this was with a flint chainsaw.
Monday, July 16, 2007
Lies, Lies, Lies!
Have you ever noticed that some people are decidedly more gifted at lying than others? I’m not going to comment on the frequency with which anyone lies. If I tried that, I’d be kidding myself. How would I know with any certainty?
On the other hand, sometimes spotting lies isn’t exactly difficult. Have you ever heard of Koko the gorilla? In a nutshell, she’s a gorilla who was trained to have an extensive sign language vocabulary. Adding spice to the story, she enjoyed raising kittens – presumably as gravy for the psych students already masturbating furiously over the fact that she exists. There’s a famous story about her lying. According to the story, she was throwing a tantrum one day and ripped a steel sink off the wall of her cage. When she was later confronted about the mangled plumbing, she denied involvement. Her skeptical trainers then asked her who else would have ripped the sink off the wall of her cage. Her sign language reply can be paraphrased as “The kitten did it.”
Koko wasn’t the best liar, but she did a respectable job. She made a valiant effort to frame an innocent bystander, correctly choosing a scapegoat who was both at the scene of the crime and unlikely to argue. That said, I give this lie a 3/10.
This beats out most of our toddlers. They’re delighted to tell their parents that they didn’t break something, even if Mommy was in the room yelling “Don’t break the lamp!” at them and watching the whole thing. I give that type of lie a 1/10.
An example of a 4/10 would be if you went up to a Psych student and asked them something like, “Do you masturbate furiously to the thought of Koko the gorilla?” They’ll deny it, but you still know they do. Still, since it’s impossible to prove, the lie is starting to get some substance to it.
An example of a 7/10 would be if you went up to Koko’s kitten and asked it “Did you tell Koko to rip the sink off the wall? Did you do it to distract your handlers while you coordinated shipments of Peruvian cocaine?” The kitten would just ignore you silently, refusing to answer the question. The fact that it’s content to pretend to be a Cabbage Patch Doll for a cranky gorilla is clear proof that it’s on the lam, but there’s no proof either way. The kitten is smart enough to play dumb. You don’t want to mess with that kitten.
It’s pretty rare that you encounter a 10/10, and I prefer to keep it that way. To that end, I’m withholding the example, but let’s just say it isn’t a coincidence that the kitten has an untrustworthy gorilla doing its dirty work.
On the other hand, sometimes spotting lies isn’t exactly difficult. Have you ever heard of Koko the gorilla? In a nutshell, she’s a gorilla who was trained to have an extensive sign language vocabulary. Adding spice to the story, she enjoyed raising kittens – presumably as gravy for the psych students already masturbating furiously over the fact that she exists. There’s a famous story about her lying. According to the story, she was throwing a tantrum one day and ripped a steel sink off the wall of her cage. When she was later confronted about the mangled plumbing, she denied involvement. Her skeptical trainers then asked her who else would have ripped the sink off the wall of her cage. Her sign language reply can be paraphrased as “The kitten did it.”
Koko wasn’t the best liar, but she did a respectable job. She made a valiant effort to frame an innocent bystander, correctly choosing a scapegoat who was both at the scene of the crime and unlikely to argue. That said, I give this lie a 3/10.
This beats out most of our toddlers. They’re delighted to tell their parents that they didn’t break something, even if Mommy was in the room yelling “Don’t break the lamp!” at them and watching the whole thing. I give that type of lie a 1/10.
An example of a 4/10 would be if you went up to a Psych student and asked them something like, “Do you masturbate furiously to the thought of Koko the gorilla?” They’ll deny it, but you still know they do. Still, since it’s impossible to prove, the lie is starting to get some substance to it.
An example of a 7/10 would be if you went up to Koko’s kitten and asked it “Did you tell Koko to rip the sink off the wall? Did you do it to distract your handlers while you coordinated shipments of Peruvian cocaine?” The kitten would just ignore you silently, refusing to answer the question. The fact that it’s content to pretend to be a Cabbage Patch Doll for a cranky gorilla is clear proof that it’s on the lam, but there’s no proof either way. The kitten is smart enough to play dumb. You don’t want to mess with that kitten.
It’s pretty rare that you encounter a 10/10, and I prefer to keep it that way. To that end, I’m withholding the example, but let’s just say it isn’t a coincidence that the kitten has an untrustworthy gorilla doing its dirty work.
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