My recent travels have reminded me how much love I can have for the train systems serving major cities. I have an extra special love for the superb delights offered by the train system offered by my own home city. The El. I love you. Because love of this magnitude should be allowed to spill over and warm the hearts of others, I now offer this helpful guide. Following these simple instructions, any city will be able to build a train system of equal efficiency and comfort!
First, know that people ride trains because they are in a hurry. In many cases, walking is a very plausible alternative to taking city-based train systems. People ride the trains because they are much faster a majority of the time. More to the point, people who ride the trains are likely to be on a schedule. That said, late trains can make riders very angry! To keep people happy, it is important to minimize the number of trains which arrive late. The Chicago el is a modern wonder by never having ANY late trains! This is actually quite easy to achieve, using the El's brilliant technique of abolishing train schedules! When you ride the el, you can rest assured that there will never be a late train because there is no conceivable way for a train to be compared to a timetable. Use this system immediately!
Next, be aware that people have a love/hate relationship with the weather. By this I mean that people love being outdoors at all times and hate being separated from the elements! To ensure that people can maximize this primal instinct, minimize the sheltering effects of as many stations as possible. Position as many as you can directly above wide streets, especially those facing towards flat areas, such as large lakes and parking lots. In this way, each gust of wind will not only be felt, it will be amplified! This effect is truly invigorating, especially in the winter months when everyone most needs a pick me up. But of course, it takes all kinds. To this end, provide occasional tiny glass cubicles with heat lamps to isolate and contain the whiners. Size them to be able to comfortably enclose roughly half of one percent of the platform. That will be plenty.
Let’s turn our attention now to the insides of the trains themselves. First, recall that people take the train because they are in a hurry. People rushing to and fro do not want to relax and be comfortable! These are supercharged go-getters. Seating availability should be scaled to accommodate only the weak and infirm riders, or roughly 15% of the expected maximum ridership. This translates to 50%, tops, of your expected typical passenger load. The remaining space should be designed to resemble the sorts of places where people go to have fun – trendy nightclubs! Three words, engineers! Standing. Room. Only. As with nightclubs, expect that people have an inherent desire to cram themselves in to a provided location until it is literally impossible to move without impacting others. Choose train car lengths to enable people to have an excuse to do so. Since liquor is not generally consumed during the day, start people dancing with violent, lurching starts and stops. In this way, people will literally be forced to get frisky with each other! Community bonding at its finest! And remember, trendy night clubs are a physical experience. Even music, typically regarded as auditory, should be first felt, then seen, then heard in a club. Of course, we will not be playing music on the trains. What must be done instead is simply create the same net effect. The train, when running, should generate enough noise that it is nearly impossible to have a conversation inside of it! Nothing is more romantic than a significant glance, and this is the only sort of communication one should reasonably expect to accomplish while riding.
Finally, your train system should have an organic, straight-from-nature element to its overall design. Specifically, you want your train tracks to look like the sort of spider web where the spider got bored and left halfway through. See, everyone knows that downtown is the most important part of all cities. Therefore, everyone will want to go downtown at least once during each and every trip! This is especially true of those people who live far from downtown. They will crave its culture. To help them sate this need, connect all of your train tracks at only one point in the very center of the city. Do not, under any circumstances, connect lines at other places. Doing so would only allow for mixing of the wrong sorts of people. Did you know that the blue line is arguably adjacent to the yellow line more than halfway out of the system? No one living along the yellow line wants to think about that, that’s for sure!
With all of this accomplished, you can know with certainty that your train system is a delight to all those around it. Keeping that in mind, maximize the pleasure and revelry for your citizens! Hoist the train to the sky for all to see, and make sure that the tracks are in a condition to shriek songs of joy to everyone within three blocks every time a train passes by! In this way, even those who do not choose to ride the train can be frequently reminded of its wonders!
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Sunday, March 14, 2010
The Next Great Innovation in Fitness!
Do you ever think to yourself that you don’t exercise enough? We all do! Who has time for all of that moving and shaking in today’s hustle-bustle world?!
That’s why you need Dr. Lake’s “Exercize in a Bottle!” (Patent Pending.)
Dr. Lake’s revolutionary formula is based on real science, and targets every muscle in your body with the same intense workout formula as strenuous, limit testing exercise! Have you ever tried to start a workout program only to feel sore the very next day? That soreness comes from a buildup of lactic acid in your muscles. That’s why Dr. Lake’s “Exercize in a bottle” features over 55% pure, high quality lactic acid in every pill! (Remaining ingredients 10% maltodextrin, 12% binding agents, and 22% ash.) That lactic acid will enter your body via your mouth, diffuse throughout your body, and instantly fill your body with levels of lactic acid usually only possible by strenuous, limit breaking anaerobic exercise.
Get yours today!
That’s why you need Dr. Lake’s “Exercize in a Bottle!” (Patent Pending.)
Dr. Lake’s revolutionary formula is based on real science, and targets every muscle in your body with the same intense workout formula as strenuous, limit testing exercise! Have you ever tried to start a workout program only to feel sore the very next day? That soreness comes from a buildup of lactic acid in your muscles. That’s why Dr. Lake’s “Exercize in a bottle” features over 55% pure, high quality lactic acid in every pill! (Remaining ingredients 10% maltodextrin, 12% binding agents, and 22% ash.) That lactic acid will enter your body via your mouth, diffuse throughout your body, and instantly fill your body with levels of lactic acid usually only possible by strenuous, limit breaking anaerobic exercise.
Get yours today!
Thursday, February 18, 2010
National Sales Tax
So did everyone notice that a man opposed to the income tax got into his airplane and crashed it into the IRS today? Classy. Yes, I too feel that an excellent way to express my right-wing frustration is to personally reenact 9/11. I really, really hope that the Tea Party movement finds this as quaintly ironic as I do.
But enough inappropriate bemusement. I’m going to use this psychopath as a prompt to write about a popular right-wing cause. In doing so, I assume I will show my ignorance on the topic. Please feel free to correct me when I say something that is horribly incorrect. Because this seems like such an open-and-shut case to me, I assume that there is a whopper of an error in here somewhere.
That said, how about a national sales tax? We could implement one, and then do away with the income tax. This is, as far as I know, a modern conservative’s wet dream. I suspect many independents and left-leaners would be all for it as well. I think it sounds pretty sweet myself. If I’m correct about its likely popularity, democracy would have no trouble at all making it the law. So why is this not happening?
Let’s take a moment to spell out the details of what I think the idea means. I think “abolish the income tax” is a pretty clear idea to everyone, so I won’t stress about that. As I understand it, a national sales tax is extremely similar to the state/city/county/whatever sales taxes that are already in the books. Some percentage of the value of the goods and/or services is added to the total bill, raising the final price. That added charge is then collected by the federal government as income. Because sales taxes are already omnipresent, implementing one would require practically no special effort. In addition, people are already policing to make sure that sales taxes are actually enforced. That means that the federal government could very likely cut its staff of “tax police” (currently IRS agents) by a huge margin. That would further decrease federal spending on salaries, and reduce the need for tax income. That would be a savings in and of itself.
One critique of a national sales tax is that a blanket tax places a disproportionate amount of the tax burden on the poor, given that the wealthy tend to save large amounts of their income (as opposed to spending it and thus paying sales tax). Let’s take the controversial stance of simply assuming that a flat tax is undesirable, for the sake of argument. (You are free to disagree that a flat tax is bad, but I hope you agree with me that we do not currently HAVE a flat tax, nor are we moving closer to having one under the income tax system. That said, please accept my hypothetical condition.) Because of this, my understanding is that basic needs, such as basic clothing and foodstuffs will not be subject to the tax. This policy is already in effect for some state sales taxes. The net effect, then, is that it is primarily luxury goods and services that are taxed. The net effect is that extremely wealthy people who are into conspicuous consumption pay huge sums in taxes, while people who are just scraping by do not. This is fairly similar to the end result of the current system. It introduces a fairly level -- and very simple -- playing field in terms of motivation to save. If you save money instead of spending it, you do not pay taxes. If you buy an original Hummer and feed it $500 in gas per week, you are personally financing welfare programs.
To me, this seems like it would be a wildly popular system, and one that provides a simple, user-friendly motivation for sensible lifestyle choices. Under the income tax, similar motivators exist in the form of IRA’s, 401(k)’s, and the like, but I suspect that most people find these overly-complicated and inaccessible.
Taken together, I think that a national sales tax is a no-brainer. Most people, especially the politically-cranky, would love it. Financially, very little would change. The national sales tax could be set to a value that would generate a cash flow identical to that of the current income tax. In practical terms, the individual cash flows from each citizen would be very similar, except that the system that draws them would be much simpler and more transparent.
That said, what am I missing? It must be something, because if the statements above are correct and comprehensive, the only thing that is not explicitly stated is that we have an income tax because Democrats enjoy making fun of pissed-off Republicans. I hope that that’s not it.
But enough inappropriate bemusement. I’m going to use this psychopath as a prompt to write about a popular right-wing cause. In doing so, I assume I will show my ignorance on the topic. Please feel free to correct me when I say something that is horribly incorrect. Because this seems like such an open-and-shut case to me, I assume that there is a whopper of an error in here somewhere.
That said, how about a national sales tax? We could implement one, and then do away with the income tax. This is, as far as I know, a modern conservative’s wet dream. I suspect many independents and left-leaners would be all for it as well. I think it sounds pretty sweet myself. If I’m correct about its likely popularity, democracy would have no trouble at all making it the law. So why is this not happening?
Let’s take a moment to spell out the details of what I think the idea means. I think “abolish the income tax” is a pretty clear idea to everyone, so I won’t stress about that. As I understand it, a national sales tax is extremely similar to the state/city/county/whatever sales taxes that are already in the books. Some percentage of the value of the goods and/or services is added to the total bill, raising the final price. That added charge is then collected by the federal government as income. Because sales taxes are already omnipresent, implementing one would require practically no special effort. In addition, people are already policing to make sure that sales taxes are actually enforced. That means that the federal government could very likely cut its staff of “tax police” (currently IRS agents) by a huge margin. That would further decrease federal spending on salaries, and reduce the need for tax income. That would be a savings in and of itself.
One critique of a national sales tax is that a blanket tax places a disproportionate amount of the tax burden on the poor, given that the wealthy tend to save large amounts of their income (as opposed to spending it and thus paying sales tax). Let’s take the controversial stance of simply assuming that a flat tax is undesirable, for the sake of argument. (You are free to disagree that a flat tax is bad, but I hope you agree with me that we do not currently HAVE a flat tax, nor are we moving closer to having one under the income tax system. That said, please accept my hypothetical condition.) Because of this, my understanding is that basic needs, such as basic clothing and foodstuffs will not be subject to the tax. This policy is already in effect for some state sales taxes. The net effect, then, is that it is primarily luxury goods and services that are taxed. The net effect is that extremely wealthy people who are into conspicuous consumption pay huge sums in taxes, while people who are just scraping by do not. This is fairly similar to the end result of the current system. It introduces a fairly level -- and very simple -- playing field in terms of motivation to save. If you save money instead of spending it, you do not pay taxes. If you buy an original Hummer and feed it $500 in gas per week, you are personally financing welfare programs.
To me, this seems like it would be a wildly popular system, and one that provides a simple, user-friendly motivation for sensible lifestyle choices. Under the income tax, similar motivators exist in the form of IRA’s, 401(k)’s, and the like, but I suspect that most people find these overly-complicated and inaccessible.
Taken together, I think that a national sales tax is a no-brainer. Most people, especially the politically-cranky, would love it. Financially, very little would change. The national sales tax could be set to a value that would generate a cash flow identical to that of the current income tax. In practical terms, the individual cash flows from each citizen would be very similar, except that the system that draws them would be much simpler and more transparent.
That said, what am I missing? It must be something, because if the statements above are correct and comprehensive, the only thing that is not explicitly stated is that we have an income tax because Democrats enjoy making fun of pissed-off Republicans. I hope that that’s not it.
Niceness Tingle
Today, I will be describing a sensation that I enjoy a great deal. Doing so will be an experiment. I have never before encountered the sensation in any form of literature. That makes me wonder if I am the only one who ever experiences it.
On rare occasions, someone I know only somewhat will do something very friendly for me that I did not expect and would never have predicted. It’s hard to be more specific about the trigger than that. It has never been something overly generous. It’s always just something extremely thoughtful, but in a completely unexpected way. Also, the trigger has never been anything that could possibly seem to require something in return.
The result, rare though it is, is amazing. It’s difficult to put into words, but emotionally, I feel pleased and faintly detached from my surroundings. But even more amazing, I get the faintest of tingling sensations, strongest in my shoulders and shoulder blades but continuing up my neck and ending at my temples. This sensation is easier to describe. It feels very much like the afterglow of a REALLY good (but quick) shoulder rub.
However, unlike with a real shoulder rub, the tingling can continue for hours. It will ebb and flow with my choice to dwell on the event that triggered it in the first place. Again, for clarity, the pleasing physical sensation in question returns and grows stronger via simply thinking about the events that triggered it. As such, the sensation is inexorably linked to the thoughts of the thoughtful/friendly act that made it possible. Topical euphoria.
If my memories from the era can be trusted, I used to experience this sensation much more often as a small child. The first time I remember it happening dates back to a time from which I don’t have very many memories at all. I was in kindergarten, at the table nearest to the left window, and I was coloring with a group of several other children. Given our age, I was not expecting much in the way of generosity from my peers. I was very much surprised when a girl sitting to my left noticed that I did not have a yellow crayon. I knew that she noticed because she said as much, handed me the crayon, and said that she thought what I was coloring would look really good with it. Tingles.
Another example comes from much later. I was in sophomore year French class, but we had a substitute teacher. I was sitting in the front row. The class was pretty much a non-silent study hall because the normal teacher was absent. I think I asked the sub for the date. The topic somehow worked its way to how it’s difficult to remember which months have fewer than 31 days. The sub then shared with me a method of counting out the months on the knuckles of your fingers that makes it easy to remember. Tingles.
The sensation is interesting for me in that I can’t fake myself into it. I’ve never read anything that inspired the sensation in me. I can’t just imagine or predict new things that would make me feel that way. And yet, if an event manages to give me the sensation at all, it will retain the power seemingly forever. I’ve really enjoyed writing this post. It was inspired by a very recent event which I will not anesthetize by describing. Not even a month prior, another situation surprised and reminded me of the sensation after a very, very long dry spell. And now, I have recounted two more triggers from much further back. Tingles, tingles, tingles, tingles.
If you have any idea what I’m talking about, please let me know. I’ve always assumed I was the only one. But I wish you all many tingles in the future.
On rare occasions, someone I know only somewhat will do something very friendly for me that I did not expect and would never have predicted. It’s hard to be more specific about the trigger than that. It has never been something overly generous. It’s always just something extremely thoughtful, but in a completely unexpected way. Also, the trigger has never been anything that could possibly seem to require something in return.
The result, rare though it is, is amazing. It’s difficult to put into words, but emotionally, I feel pleased and faintly detached from my surroundings. But even more amazing, I get the faintest of tingling sensations, strongest in my shoulders and shoulder blades but continuing up my neck and ending at my temples. This sensation is easier to describe. It feels very much like the afterglow of a REALLY good (but quick) shoulder rub.
However, unlike with a real shoulder rub, the tingling can continue for hours. It will ebb and flow with my choice to dwell on the event that triggered it in the first place. Again, for clarity, the pleasing physical sensation in question returns and grows stronger via simply thinking about the events that triggered it. As such, the sensation is inexorably linked to the thoughts of the thoughtful/friendly act that made it possible. Topical euphoria.
If my memories from the era can be trusted, I used to experience this sensation much more often as a small child. The first time I remember it happening dates back to a time from which I don’t have very many memories at all. I was in kindergarten, at the table nearest to the left window, and I was coloring with a group of several other children. Given our age, I was not expecting much in the way of generosity from my peers. I was very much surprised when a girl sitting to my left noticed that I did not have a yellow crayon. I knew that she noticed because she said as much, handed me the crayon, and said that she thought what I was coloring would look really good with it. Tingles.
Another example comes from much later. I was in sophomore year French class, but we had a substitute teacher. I was sitting in the front row. The class was pretty much a non-silent study hall because the normal teacher was absent. I think I asked the sub for the date. The topic somehow worked its way to how it’s difficult to remember which months have fewer than 31 days. The sub then shared with me a method of counting out the months on the knuckles of your fingers that makes it easy to remember. Tingles.
The sensation is interesting for me in that I can’t fake myself into it. I’ve never read anything that inspired the sensation in me. I can’t just imagine or predict new things that would make me feel that way. And yet, if an event manages to give me the sensation at all, it will retain the power seemingly forever. I’ve really enjoyed writing this post. It was inspired by a very recent event which I will not anesthetize by describing. Not even a month prior, another situation surprised and reminded me of the sensation after a very, very long dry spell. And now, I have recounted two more triggers from much further back. Tingles, tingles, tingles, tingles.
If you have any idea what I’m talking about, please let me know. I’ve always assumed I was the only one. But I wish you all many tingles in the future.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Death and Religion
I was recently at a funeral service for a fairly close family member. I don't in any way mean to seem callous about her passing, but the thoughts I plan to share in this post will largely take it for granted. Tragedy aside, I was really impressed by a few aspects of the service that were not typical of my family's usual methods of handling death. First, the choice of service (held in a Lutheran church) was very calm, fairly neutral, and not overtly religion-specific. After the jerk Republican propagandist who buried my father with his usual "style," this minor accomplishment made me unusually happy. Next, there was no body. My great aunt had donated her body to science. I had heard of this concept before, but never before had I actually seen anyone do it. I found it to be surprisingly classy and extremely tasteful. More so than either cremation or burial. I didn't expect to have that reaction, and yet, it's undeniably how I felt. An unusually clear manifestation of generosity in death.
Both of these observations can be read as me being pleased with a lack of religion in the proceedings, which is not entirely unfair. However, despite my usual hostility towards organized religion, I do give it two nods of approval. Religion (almost any religion) provides a very reasonable method for instilling non-savage social values into children. Children are a class of people who quite naturally see the world in fully-selfish, sociopathic terms. I believe that simply being exposed to an equally self-confident pronouncement of the opposite helps them develop. Religion also provides an excellent outlet for helping people cope with death. Further, religion seems to provide the most comfort to those most in need of it. This is especially true in times of extreme challenge, such as death. In fact, this scalable placating effect the major religions have is the biggest reason that I maintain a generally neutral stance on them. (When I was younger, I more openly despised them.) I have never managed to imagine some other custom or social structure that could even begin to replace this effect. Because of that, I maintain a tentative restraint when critiquing what I would characterize as the harmful effects that religions have on society in the better times.
Bringing these ideas together, I ask the following: how do we handle death in the absence of religion? It sounds like a silly question, but I don’t mean it to be. I would argue that there are two significant answers. The first is “privately.” I am trying my best to think of a non-religious passing, and the closest I can muster are either deaths that are not linked to any form of ceremony, or reserved gatherings that seem like a hybrid of a wake and a (quiet) cocktail party. The second answer that occurs to me is that the most religious, remaining family members of the deceased hijack the tragedy and turn it into a religious event anyway. This seems to be a fairly common event, at least in my immediate social sphere.
Here also, my first instinct is to disapprove of this insertion of religion where in life there was none (or less). However, on reflection, allowing those who absolutely need religion to have it beats the alternative. I offer the following observation as my most severe critique of vocal atheists:
Targeting the bereaved with what you believe to be progressive social observation and hostility toward dogma is pretty much what Fred Phelps’ family does. It does not inspire sympathy, conversion, or an abatement of grief. Score one for religion.
Both of these observations can be read as me being pleased with a lack of religion in the proceedings, which is not entirely unfair. However, despite my usual hostility towards organized religion, I do give it two nods of approval. Religion (almost any religion) provides a very reasonable method for instilling non-savage social values into children. Children are a class of people who quite naturally see the world in fully-selfish, sociopathic terms. I believe that simply being exposed to an equally self-confident pronouncement of the opposite helps them develop. Religion also provides an excellent outlet for helping people cope with death. Further, religion seems to provide the most comfort to those most in need of it. This is especially true in times of extreme challenge, such as death. In fact, this scalable placating effect the major religions have is the biggest reason that I maintain a generally neutral stance on them. (When I was younger, I more openly despised them.) I have never managed to imagine some other custom or social structure that could even begin to replace this effect. Because of that, I maintain a tentative restraint when critiquing what I would characterize as the harmful effects that religions have on society in the better times.
Bringing these ideas together, I ask the following: how do we handle death in the absence of religion? It sounds like a silly question, but I don’t mean it to be. I would argue that there are two significant answers. The first is “privately.” I am trying my best to think of a non-religious passing, and the closest I can muster are either deaths that are not linked to any form of ceremony, or reserved gatherings that seem like a hybrid of a wake and a (quiet) cocktail party. The second answer that occurs to me is that the most religious, remaining family members of the deceased hijack the tragedy and turn it into a religious event anyway. This seems to be a fairly common event, at least in my immediate social sphere.
Here also, my first instinct is to disapprove of this insertion of religion where in life there was none (or less). However, on reflection, allowing those who absolutely need religion to have it beats the alternative. I offer the following observation as my most severe critique of vocal atheists:
Targeting the bereaved with what you believe to be progressive social observation and hostility toward dogma is pretty much what Fred Phelps’ family does. It does not inspire sympathy, conversion, or an abatement of grief. Score one for religion.
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