To kill time, I recently took a two hundred question online survey that was designed to evaluate how healthy I am based on my lifestyle. It asked page after page of questions about my eating habits, exercise preferences, drug and alcohol use, medical history, sexual habits, sleep habits, height, weight, and hobbies.
At the end, it thought about my answers and told me that despite the fact that I had told it my birthday, I was actually 16.7 years old.
It’s a good thing it didn’t ask me anything about my politics, economic outlook, philosophies, or etiquette preferences. It might have told me I was 60.
As is, I pondered the curious results. Oh, right. All that crazy shit I do/don’t do.
I’ll bet if I took up some serious masturbation, I could get the computer to tell me I’m 15.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Monday, March 10, 2008
Heating Bill
I don’t pay for heating in my apartment. Instead, all of the apartments have single pipe radiators that run completely along the outside of all the outer rooms under a hidden hood. It works really well, is VERY hidden, totally quiet, and generally a feature I love.
I keep it turned off all winter.
My neighbors, by contrast, leave the valve controlling the water flow inside their pipes full open all winter. Their apartments get swelteringly hot as a result. How do I know this? Because when I open my windows (when it’s ten degrees below zero outside), my apartment cools down to a comfortable sixty-five degrees. That heat has to be coming from somewhere.
I’m not supposed to open my windows during the winter. The landlady actually drives around the complex every Tuesday and Thursday and checks for open windows. Last year, she called me up and left me a voicemail message telling me that if I didn’t close my window, she’d start charging everyone for heat.
I called the office back with some questions on this policy. I got the assistant manager. I told her that I kept my heat turned completely off. I was not wasting any energy. I told her that my apartment got way too hot if I closed the windows. I reassured her that my heat was completely off, and that my apartment was not frozen.
She listened politely and told me that she couldn’t care less what I did, and told me that the Landlady only checks for windows open on Tuesday and Thursday during a predictable one hour window.
Surprised, I thanked her, and we both hung up sounding pleased with ourselves. I now religiously keep my windows closed for those two hours every week. That’s apparently all it takes. I haven’t had any issues with this policy ever since.
I keep it turned off all winter.
My neighbors, by contrast, leave the valve controlling the water flow inside their pipes full open all winter. Their apartments get swelteringly hot as a result. How do I know this? Because when I open my windows (when it’s ten degrees below zero outside), my apartment cools down to a comfortable sixty-five degrees. That heat has to be coming from somewhere.
I’m not supposed to open my windows during the winter. The landlady actually drives around the complex every Tuesday and Thursday and checks for open windows. Last year, she called me up and left me a voicemail message telling me that if I didn’t close my window, she’d start charging everyone for heat.
I called the office back with some questions on this policy. I got the assistant manager. I told her that I kept my heat turned completely off. I was not wasting any energy. I told her that my apartment got way too hot if I closed the windows. I reassured her that my heat was completely off, and that my apartment was not frozen.
She listened politely and told me that she couldn’t care less what I did, and told me that the Landlady only checks for windows open on Tuesday and Thursday during a predictable one hour window.
Surprised, I thanked her, and we both hung up sounding pleased with ourselves. I now religiously keep my windows closed for those two hours every week. That’s apparently all it takes. I haven’t had any issues with this policy ever since.
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