“Jenny Craig” Causes Global Warming.

(Conspiracy Theories III)
It’s been a while since I proved that gay people are a Chinese plot. Many readers complimented me on my passionate and well-documented argument.

Alas, it has not inspired a cult following.

The reason is obvious. That theory was designed to appeal to rednecks, hillbillies, women-haters, and racists. None of those groups read my blog. As such, my theory was at risk of infecting no one. Who does read my blog, you ask? Well, to be honest, I don’t know for sure either. But I do know that they all use computers. And given where my blog is published, they’re all probably pretty good with them too. That said, let’s assume that the vast majority of my readers are well educated, reasonably rational thinkers. If I want to start a conspiracy theory that will stand the test of time, I need to appeal to people like that.

Remember, I proved in my last post on this topic that you only need four things to have a rock-solid conspiracy theory:
1) Something or someone you hate.
2) Something in the world that is changing or has changed.
3) A link through the “common knowledge” that connects the first two ingredients.
4) Followers.

I did great with the first three, but I just didn’t publish in the right venue to nail number four. It’s certainly possible to write a conspiracy theory for well-educated and rational people. But when you do, you have to make your stream-of-consciousness writing RIGOROUS.

Are you ready? I’m about to prove, via valid scientific argument, that “Jenny Craig” causes global warning. And so it begins:

Despite continued criticism from fringe groups (mostly working from outside the scientific community), a strong correlation has been found between increasing average temperatures on Earth and the buildup of greenhouse gasses in the atmosphere.

The most valid argument refuting this point is that correlation does not necessarily imply causation. In other words, just because average temperature on Earth is rising at the same time that greenhouse gas concentrations are rising, it cannot be outright assumed that one is causing the other.

This argument is logically sound. However, people making this case almost universally falsely assume two things. First, they often argue that the current high temperatures observed are nothing unusual. They suggest, rather, the Earth is simply entering a period of warmth, in line with well-documented cycles of cool and warm ages in our planet’s history. The error here is that current temperatures being seen – which are still rising – are in fact well outside the documented past peaks. Second, the concentrations of greenhouse gasses in the atmosphere are not (similarly) something typical of past eras, as has been suggested. Rather, they too are climbing to unprecedented levels (in the history of multicellular life on Earth). The fact that the two peaks are both correlated and unprecedented serves to establish an easily defended (and mechanistically explainable) cause and effect relationship. From this, we can conclude that the scientific community at large is correct, and that greenhouse gasses do cause global warming. It is not necessary to touch on the areas of this topic which actually ARE controversial, such as what should be done about this.

The greenhouse gasses that are at the root of the added heat are carbon dioxide and methane. Both of these gasses have been seen only in trace quantities over the course of living history. They also share a common chemical feature: they have a carbon atom as their core element. This is in contrast with the nitrogen and oxygen that compose the overwhelming majority of the atmosphere naturally. They are the two lightest and most stable and readily formed carbon-based gasses.

The carbon in the air has to come from somewhere. It is not coming from space. Nor is either of these gasses light enough to be escaping the Earth into space in any significant quantity. That said, we can easily conclude that the buildup of gaseous carbon molecules (greenhouse gasses) in the atmosphere are coming from the liquid and/or solid carbon sources on earth.

Again, this point is readily defended. If we look at the atmosphere, and we notice that carbon-based molecules are increasing in it, that carbon must be coming from the only source of carbon not already there: the liquids and solids of Earth. The same case can be made for methane.

That said, it remains only to show how and why the carbon is being converted into a gaseous form in the atmosphere.

Typically, scientists have argued that industrial and commercial sources are causing this change. They make the case that burning coal and other fossil fuels takes carbon sources in solid and liquid forms and liberates the carbon atoms in these molecules into the gas phase. Or, put directly, this burning creates greenhouse gasses. That may be true.

However, it is reductive and silly to argue that this is the only input of carbon molecules into the atmosphere. What is so often overlooked in this argument is the well-established scientific fact that all (known) life on Earth operates on a carbon-backbone system. Our bodies are held together primarily by carbon-based molecules (which include proteins). Our food gives us energy in the form of carbon-based molecules. All other animals and plants on earth are similarly carbon-based. And as a result of this, all life on Earth can be thought of as a huge depository of carbon that could otherwise be in our atmosphere warming the Earth.

I will state this point again for clarity, because it is so key to the current treachery: The carbon held in our bodies is not loose in the atmosphere destroying our planet.

This is the point that “Jenny Craig” is using against us. For those of you not familiar with the evil secret behind the “Jenny Craig” corporation, I will give you a general breakdown of their key goals. “Jenny Craig” is a huge organization devoted to promoting an agenda of converting human life into greenhouse gasses.

The corporation hires armies of agents to set up shops around our fair nation to promote the vicious notion that Americans are grossly overweight. They will not listen to reasonable arguments that the human body converts food during times of plenty into wholly-natural body fat. Times of plenty such as those that would be seen during longer, warmer, sunnier summers. Again, this is a natural process. No special thought or planning is required. If there is an abundance of food available, we naturally eat this food and convert it into fat, making ourselves larger.

When we become larger, we contain and isolate larger deposits of carbon. This carbon is not loose warming our planet. It is not decaying in our granaries and becoming carbon dioxide. It is tucked safely away in the security of our bellies.

“Jenny Craig” would have all of us releasing our environmentally-friendly carbon deposits directly into the atmosphere via metabolism. They would have all of us exercising regularly and thus breathing out Earth-destroying greenhouse gasses with every forced breath. Further, they would have us eat more fruits and vegetables -- rich sources of fiber. This fiber would serve to make all of us more gassy, and thus enable the bacteria in our guts to turn us into walking methane factories. Were you aware that methane is a greenhouse gas roughly ten times as powerful as the oft-denounced carbon dioxide? It is. That’s a secret that the dieting industry doesn’t want you to know. Eating fruits and vegetables destroys the planet. Doing so forces your body into an artificial state in which you exhale destructive carbon dioxide from one end -- carbon dioxide that was previously safely contained -- and additionally forces you to create devastating methane gas via another channel.

Why, you ask, would Jenny Craig do such a thing? To make money of course. By creating the illusion that our huge, nutrient-rich bodies are “unhealthy” or “unnatural,” they create an enormous industry that accomplishes two goals. First, it keeps the public constantly on edge and depressed about their body images. It creates the entirely unnatural illusion that slimmer is better. When five year olds eat a cheeseburger, do they think these unnatural thoughts? Of course not. Such unnatural thinking is learned. Learned from manipulative sources like “Jenny Craig.” Second, they drive the environmentally-friendly among us -- our largest and most patriotic brothers and sisters -- and turn them into walking hyper-soldiers warring against our planet.

Dear readers, it’s all so very simple in this, the larger context. There is exactly one powerful force that the Earth uses to pull these modern unnatural amounts of carbon dioxide from the atmosphere. It’s called photosynthesis. Plants around the world are sucking the carbon dioxide out of the atmosphere, struggling to keep up with us. Animals then eat these plants and convert them into solid fats that protect the Earth. It’s the Earth’s all-natural, instinctive response.

That said, I implore you all, do your parts to help the environment! Don’t buy hybrid cars! Don’t turn off your lights when you’re not at home! Those are stop-gap measures at best. Instead, drive your SUV’s and run your air conditioners all winter. Whatever feels right. It’s natural. But while you do so, snack, snack, snack! Take responsibility for your actions! Become a walking carbon depository! Each pound you gain removes massive volumes of carbon dioxide from the atmosphere in the long run. That’s why it feels so natural. Save the planet, one cheeseburger at a time!

Don’t listen to the dark, scary agenda promoted by “Jenny Craig.” If they were truly working in line with the will of the Earth, would following their program feel so very wrong? Would it take so much willpower and psychological pain? Of course not. “Jenny Craig” is destroying the Earth. You can feel it in your very soul, as it gnaws at you from your slimming, empty belly.