“f*ck me hard please”

As many of you know, I have a Gmail account handle the vast majority of my email needs. In fact, I use a large number of the free Google services. Google services have made many things that I do much nicer in ways I don’t think would be interesting to list. My only concern about Google is that when I hear that shares in the seemingly non-sales-driven-experimental-tech company have blown past $900 per share, I get worried the stock market is prepping for a major correction. This is not Google’s fault, however. Caveat emptor.

The one Google service relevant to this post is the spam filter in Gmail. It works amazingly well. Until yesterday, it correctly guessed what was spam and what wasn’t 100% of the time.

Then, yesterday, Peter Vance sent me the following email:
Title: “f*ck me hard please”
“i want f*ck you all night! http://nodatinghere.com

”cavities beakerful columbia tret estimable flavescent prattfall
”prounion setenant mother unconductive chatelainry khis
”ophthalmomyotomy locky
”homekeeping officerial elegant occipitocervical unpenetrable
”spoonless ophthalmectomy”

That got through the spam filter. To all appearances, many people were reading that email and concluding, “This must be from one of my friends!”

At first, I was confused. I checked my spam folder to see what DIDN’T get through. There were several hundred emails in there, all well chosen.

Then suddenly, a light bulb went on in my head. Google thought *I* wrote that email. See, it all makes sense like that. My friends tell me that even when I’m talking about things like trade policy, tax law, savings plans, and philosophy, all they hear is “I want to fuck you all night! No dating! Right here!” followed by a seemingly endless chain of less interesting and much longer words. This is generally billed as being my fault.

And take a closer look at the body of that email. I have to admit, it DOES bear a striking resemblance to the way I choose words when I’m writing for clarity! Generally, in situations like this, when I send out emails, I get replies along the line of, “I’m so happy to hear that you’re thinking of my cervix! I didn’t know I had one! But you’re right, I do have a lot of cavities! And they sure are estimable! Haha! I’m not quite sure what you meant by all of that, but I know for a fact that I’m not unpenetrable! Hehe!”

Then I send back a reply along the lines of, “What? I asked you if you thought that ‘Golden Compass’ would get more or less bad press if they didn’t change the name of the antagonist group.”

Then they reply, “Ok, I DO like being held down bad, but don’t be too antagonistic, you kinky bastard! I’ve never tried group before!”

At this point I give up and see the movie alone, while pondering if I can recover my losses if I just try to have sex with the confused friend despite having written off the idea of anything remotely resembling dating.

That said, I can see why this one slipped through.