I recently caused a minor stir by posting a blog entry that made fun of myself, but was ridiculously unclear on about what, how, or for what reason. I provided enough context clues to figure it out, but only with some work or fore-knowledge.
I figured that the post would be ignored by everyone except the select few people who would find it obvious.
I was wrong. The people who had the most fun with it were the people who had no clue WHATSOEVER what I was talking about and saw the whole thing as an enticing mystery.
I’m going to build on that success today. I’m going to tell you a true story in multiple choice format. Again, I promise, for each blank, one of the answers is something I really did, and the other three answers did not happen. Taken together, the correct answers will cohere into a true story.
Ready? Go!
1) I will be moving back to Chicago at some point next year. This should come as no surprise because ______________.
A) Living as a relative hermit is less fun than it sounds.
B) I miss my family.
C) The police are on to me.
D) I only ever planned to live in Wisconsin for three years to build up my resume.
2) As a result, I’ve started to actively try to use up ______________.
A) The eligible love interests of the area.
B) The goodwill of my neighbors.
C) The points on my Wisconsin driver’s license.
D) The non-perishable items in my pantry.
3) One thing that I was quick to notice is that I have an extreme abundance of ______________.
A) Homely admirers.
B) Gullible neighbors.
C) Condoms.
D) Aging spices that I rarely use.
4) To that end, I came up with a creative solution. I decided to ______________.
A) Give speed dating a try, shooting for quantity over quality for a change.
B) Start borrowing peculiar items at odd times of the day.
C) Invent some new practical jokes.
D) Confuse my coworkers as usual, but in a new way.
5) That decided, I packed up my ______________ with ______________ and headed off to ______________.
A) pockets; Viagra; the community center
B) backpack; assorted tools that I promised to return; neighboring apartments
C) backpack; industrial magnets; the parking lot
D) backpack; exotic, fragrant spices; work
6) I spent the next month ______________.
A) Dipping my wick like I was trying to make one FAT candle.
B) Giving “Ace Hardware” a run for their money.
C) Sealing people’s car door keyholes with ridiculously-hard-to-remove magnets and posting the videos of people trying to get into their cars on YouTube.
D) Putting unusual and unexpected spices in with the coffee before I brewed a fresh pot.
7) The response was overwhelmingly ______________.
A) Positive. It was suggested that I quit my day job.
B) Nonexistent. It seems people were willing to give me almost anything just to make me go away, and had no interest in getting it back if it meant talking to me further.
C) Positive. I’m starting a viral video campaign to rival “Britney Boy” Chris Crocker.
D) Peculiar. I was accused of using the coffee maker to make tea, despite the fact that the coffee was made full strength, just with added flavors.
8) As a result of this experiment, I ______________.
A) Am still trying to get rid of some “waxy buildup,” but I like a challenge.
B) Am planning to build my next place on an open lot and save on rent.
C) Have been contacted by MTV as a possible replacement to the series “Jackass.”
D) Have concluded that my coworkers like to complain and have no sense of taste.
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