Lake <3’s Disney

Generally, I find Disney movies unpalatable. I liked “Enchanted,” because it seemed to know this, and admitted that I have a point. That’s all I ask. Self-aware Disney was pretty funny.

Here’s my big problem with Disney: all the plot arcs look exactly the same (to me). Let me tell you the plot of every Disney movie I have ever seen (I have not seen as many as you think.)

“Oh no! I’m a beautiful young person with little to no real life experience! One or many of my parents or guardians seem mean to me! In response to this, I will make an ENORMOUS life-destroying lifestyle choice. Oh, look, I am ruined because I made an enormous life-destroying lifestyle choice! Fortunately, I met an equally ungifted beautiful young person of the opposite gender as a result of our shared poor choices! We’re so cute together that everything works out! Yay!”

(Objections to this summary that sound like, “You are forgetting the 1942 classic, ‘Aryana and the 28 Negro Servants!’” will be ignored or outright mocked, at my discretion.)

This plot arc teaches a valuable life lesson: “It’s ok to be retarded as long as you are adorable.”

In my life, I have met thousands of people who seem to have taken this life lesson to heart.

In my life, I have met dozens of people who are actually adorable.

Doing some quick math and rounding a little, that makes thousands of non-adorable, willfully retarded people. This is not the recipe for success.





That said, go watch this right now. Don’t read past the link until it’s over. Give it until halfway in before you give up, even if it makes you queasy. I’m sending you to watch this for a reason, though I don’t want to spoil the surprise.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9-CS2v8wcc













Outstanding. You might think I want to make fun of that guy, but no. I’m impressed. I hope he gets laid about 500 times for having done that.

I didn’t like Aladdin at all. And that song drove me nuts in Jr. High, though it was popular with everyone else. But after watching that clip a few times, I have revised my opinion. That song is GENIUS if we take it to this new level.

Let’s tweak the premise of Aladdin slightly. The original plot summary was this:
“Lying street urchin rescues princess from her horrible life of boring opulence.”

If, as Nick (the singer) accidentally suggested (by playing both roles himself), there was only one protagonist to the story, then we can revise the plot to this:
“Schizophrenic princess has romantic visions of fantasy street urchin and his spirit guardians. These visions give her the ability to self-love when they break apart from her main personality and attain equal standing in her mind. Princess has visions of fantastic adventures, while at no point actually doing anything to threaten her status in the royal court. In fact, though she imagines otherwise, these visions make her a smash hit at royal parties.”

That revised movie sounds fascinating. I think a few Disney classics could benefit from this modification.

The Little Mermaid with the Big Flipper
“Lonely mermaid annoys father when she becomes infatuated with land-dwelling alterego, spends hours each day humping rocks at the surface (much to the delight of intrigued sailors), and eventually completely loses grip on reality. Spends retirement trying to hop through the silt on the bottom of the ocean in a seaweed “dress” while talking to self.”

Beauty and Satan
“Bored with her day job, eccentric beauty runs away to abandoned castle where she talks to antique furniture regularly. As days pass, she becomes obsessed with an imaginary though elusive demon. As the demon haunts her more and more, she loses touch with her aesthetic sense and gives in to his dark embrace. Having gone to the dark side, that which she before thought was ugly now appears beautiful. She spends the next month poisoning wells and vandalizing the town before she is burned as a witch.”

Portabella
“Insane prince annoys royal court by spending an entire royal ball dancing with a ripe pumpkin. Departs abruptly at midnight, leaving a trail of discarded clothes as he rushes into the streets.”

Drowsy Beauty
“Lonely forest beauty does inappropriate things to produce until she passes out. Has prolonged dream in which an especially savory apple shows her what ‘the fruit of knowledge’ can really offer.”

I should start my own studio.