An Immodest Proposal

To the best of my knowledge, a sizeable majority of Americans (old people) think that a small minority of Americans (young people) are having altogether too much sex. Due to the whims of our mostly-Democratic form of government, this majority has a lot of muscle to flex in trying to stamp out this undesirable trend.

Despite this, they have had very little luck in stemming the practice. Given that they have succeeded in stamping out other activities that they think young people should be kept away from (such as driving, voting, and seeking unsupervised medical care), this seems surprising. Why should it be true? It’s already illegal. One of the quickest ways to get a sure-fire trip to prison is to find a precocious 15-year-old who wants to get laid and agree to help. Yet still, horny teens can be found humping anything that moves (and many things that don’t) from coast to coast. I would argue that the difference here is the simple availability of opportunities. Consider the following two scenarios:

Scenario 1: A Fourteen-year-old boy wants to drive.
“I want to drive to my friend’s house right now without my parents’ permission. All I need is a car and several days-worth of practice. Wait, fuck!”
Result: Fail.

Scenario 2: A Thirteen-year-old girl wants to get laid.
“Damn my pussy itches. If only there was a boy willing to have sex with me.”
Result: The boys’ soccer team’s morale spikes dramatically.
[Author’s note: vulgarity added for comic effect. Please do not confuse with actual misogyny.]

The difference is fairly clear. Horniness in teens is not in short supply. Nor does it require any special skills to use. As a result, many opportunities exist for sexual whims to be repeatedly satisfied.

As a result, old people remain cranky. Why should young people be free to use their ample sexual opportunities when they, as old people, have proportionally so few?

Clearly, all previous legislative efforts to curb sex among the young have failed. Again, this can be clearly attributed to a failure to reduce the actual potential for youth sex. No solution will be effective unless it actually reduces either the number of opportunities for young people to have all that frisky sex, or somehow curbs their desire to make use of them.

Due to the complete lack of materials required for sex to occur (condoms and other items, though wise, are technically optional), it is impossible to regulate this in a supply-side manner. Thus, the only rational way to have a direct impact on teen sexual activity is to influence the desire of teens to have sex.

To this end, I have an immodest proposal.

Mandate young teens to have sex.

Throughout the ages, nothing has had a more dramatic effect on the desires of the young than the willingness of their elders to allow various activities. The impacts are inverse and dramatic. Consider the following examples:

Example 1: Legally-mandated school attendance.
Intended result: Train youths to be smarter, more skillful, and able to become wealthier than their parents.
Actual result: Children overwhelmingly fantasize about dropping out of school to pursue careers in food service and prostitution.

Example 2: Legally-banned alcohol and tobacco use.
Intended result: Healthy children who are not slowly becoming retarded.
Actual result: Paaaaarty! Whoo!

Example 3: Statutory rape laws mystifyingly-based on ages, rather than victims claiming to have been raped.
Intended result: Virginal children.
Actual result: A generation of children circulating their own homemade pornography via cell phones and the internet.

Clearly, to turn the tide of increasing teen sexuality, old people must immediately begin to demand constant, universal teen sex. Youth orgy rooms should be established immediately into which children are forced before, after, and during school hours, as well as before bed. Parents must take an immediate no-nonsense approach to teen sexuality along the lines of “if you can get off, find a friend.” A few weeks of this should sap the novelty out of the sport with alacrity. A few months of it and kids will be desperate for some alone time. After a year, 13-year-olds will require a decade of therapy before they will want to hump or be penetrated in any way ever again.

It’s the only sensible thing to do.