Celebrities Are Filthy Whores

I make no secret of the fact that I hate the news. I read news articles and invariably think one of two things:
1) That story omitted all the important information.
2) This is an editorial in disguise.

For an example of the first type of story, please click the following link:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/7258775.stm

Apparently, a large number of famous people are at risk of contracting Hepatitis A after they visited a swanky bar that employs a bartender who was recently infected. People who might have contracted the disease from this bartender include Madonna, Gwyneth Paltrow, Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore, Ivanka Trump, Liv Tyler, Catherine Keener, Lucy Liu, Salma Hayek, etc. etc.

As I said, the story omits one key piece of information. Specifically, WHAT THE HELL WERE THOSE PEOPLE DOING IN THERE THAT MAKES THEM THINK THEY GOT HEP A FROM A BARTENDER? Generally, I don’t care what celebrities do in their personal lives. But this here simply HAS to be a fascinating story. Hep A isn’t like the flu. It’s only transmitted from fecal-oral contact. That said, I have three theories.

Theory One:
“Hey Ashton! Madonna and I are going to play a game of ‘lick the bartender’s asshole! Want to play? Salma already got him nice and slippery!”

Theory Two:
“Wow, you celebrities are some thirsty people! But are you as committed to the environment as I am? Would anyone mind if I cut down on laundry waste by drying your glasses with toilet paper I brought back from the bathroom? I’m pretty sure I only used one side.”
“Sounds good!”
“I don’t have a problem with that.”
“Manhattan’s fragile ecosystem must be protected!”

Theory Three:
“As your doctor, I am sorry to tell you that you have Hepatitis A.”
“Does it matter that I haven’t washed my hands since the Reagan administration?”

I think we can all agree that the article I referenced would be much more fun if it included any of these (likely) explanations.