Animals Make Retarded Pets

I’m not going to mince words on this one. Animals are dumb.

I don’t usually take a strong stance on this, but recently, a couple of striking examples have brought the topic to mind and left me bitter. Both of these examples make for great stories.

Example one: My sister’s dog is retarded.
For reasons unclear to me, my sister adopted a retarded puppy. Not medically retarded, mind you. No, it’s a charming mutt in perfect health. However, by my standards, it’s retarded. It greets guests by first jumping all over them. This is wonderful in and of itself. But when it tires of that, it takes it a step further by first leaping onto furniture (like a couch), then launching itself at them from this new height. That’s extra special. I love that dog.

My sister also lives in a house that has a trampoline in the backyard. Trampolines are great fun. They help you jump really high by letting you launch off of an elastic pad. But when you jump, that elastic pad drops down really low. That’s why trampoline pads are always up on stands. Guess who thinks it’s a great idea to stand underneath the trampoline, dead center, and bark his fool head off at jumpers as they rocket down onto his head?

My sister’s place also features mirrored closet doors. Guess who’s not allowed into the bedroom, because he sees his reflection and barks and leaps at it for hours before having to be forcibly separated from his own reflection.

In conclusion, my sister’s dog is retarded.

Example two: Geese are retarded.
It will come as no surprise to regular readers that I work at a chemical plant. This chemical plant has a man-made lake in the middle, which is used as fire water in the event of a major emergency. Since this is basically never used, we really just have a big lake in the middle of the complex. Geese like big calm lakes.

Geese also like to nest by them. One lovely couple decided to do just that. They build a beautiful nest, five feet away from the contractor entrance to the main engineering building.

That would be a beautiful example of nature in action, save for one minor issue. Nesting geese are fiercely territorial. Guess who spends all of every day attacking an endless stream of less-than-amused contractors?

This choice of locales was very well chosen. In the same way that an antisocial hermit could find a very well chosen living space in the middle of the food court in a busy shopping mall.

To be fair, there are small sections of the day when there are no contractors to attack. The goose spends those sections of the day attacking its own reflection in the glass panes of the nearby doors, and on the reflective surfaces of newly-washed cars.

In conclusion, geese are retarded.

There are times when I think nature is wondrous and beautiful. But there are also striking examples of why humans don’t generally feel bad about strip mining and deforestation. Today seems like a good day to pillage some rainforest.