Iraqi Revenge

Ok, here’s one written specifically for you nitpicky types who hate whimsical blogs because they have nothing you can fight about.

I’m only going to ask you to do me one tiny favor. Unfortunately, I realize that most of you will be completely unable to do this favor. But I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. Here’s the favor: pretend you’re an Iraqi who thinks Americans are arrogant imperialists.

I’ll give you a second to muster up the mental power of a preschooler. Almost ready? Can you do it?

Ok, let’s find out. Now that you’re an anti-American Iraqi, but yet one who strangely has the benefit of a great deal of Western education, tell me this. Pride issues aside, why would this not be the best possible form of revenge for your dissatisfaction for the American occupation of Iraq?

As soon as humanly possible, all of your (Iraqi) leaders who are not being actively pursued by suicide bombers gather in the most official (Iraqi) government building that can house both them and a huge crowd of reporters all at once. Invite as many members of the press and foreign governments as can possibly fit, including a solid number of American politicians from all sides of the political spectrum. Explain to them only that you have the perfect solution to ending the current crisis and for forming a long-term stable democracy in Iraq, and that it’s so perfect that you want to share it with the entire world.

The vagueness of it all will annoy everyone. Many will assume it’s some sort of trap. To get past this, be totally thrilled to have as many security detachments on hand as anyone cares to bring along. But insist that the exact solution to the Iraq crisis will be revealed only at the conference, to everyone – including the international press – at once.

When everyone arrives (What are they going to do, say no? Even if they do, members of the press will suffice, and they’ll go to anything.), send up a small group of people who can most effectively represent all aspects of the current Iraqi government. Let most of them stand in smiling, silent support of the one clear leader, who will give a very short, pleasant speech. It will read as follows.

“My good fellow Iraqis, members of the international community, members of the press, welcome. After the past several years, I am delighted to invite you all here to witness the first moments of our transition. A vision of a new era stands before us. After careful deliberation, we are at long last ready to fully embrace the democracy of our liberators. I have called you all here to announce our new plan for better embracing the democracy of the United States. Specifically, we have made preparations for becoming a state. Congress willing, we will begin the Iraqi Constitutional Convention next week. It seems so clear now that for our peoples to truly embrace the gift the American people have given us, we must fully adapt to the strongest principles of democracy and freedom. What better way could there be for this adaptation than to use them in the full, official capacity? To celebrate this momentous occasion, we have prepared a grand feast for everyone gathered. Come, join us in the festivities!”

It would be fascinating to watch the reasons presented for why this would have to be denied. Or, if it were actually embraced, well, that sounds like a solid improvement over the current situation too. In either case, the shock would be overwhelming to everyone. And the US would find itself massively between a rock and a hard place. No matter which way they went – granting, denying, trying to put off indefinitely – the question of allowing Iraq to become a state, the act of having to manage that issue would quite possibly be the last challenge of American imperialism.

For those of you who just shit your pants, I promise that I do not actually expect this to happen. But, issues of pride aside, tell me this. Why, specifically, would asking for this loudly and publicly, be a bad strategic move for the Iraqi people right now?