Why I Will be Executed for Treason One Day

I’m going to make this post even less coherent than usual, because the entire inspiration was a series of disconnected thoughts experienced first thing in the morning in the shower. For reference, that’s the time of day that I reserve for difficult tasks like remembering my name, wondering if I got up because I have a job or something, and trying to figure out what my toothbrush is for. (Note: So far, experimentation has not been required in remembering what my toothbrush is for.)

I mention this because I want to make it clear from the start that the following sequence of events should not be considered me at my best.

I was trying to figure out what day it was, which eventually gave rise to thoughts of what my plans for the week were. This turned my attention to the weekend. I had spent the past few days making plans for the next several weekends, so many such plans were fresh in my mind, though not in order. One of these plans involved me likely seeing an old friend in early June.

Now, you have to remember, it was early. We’re talking 3:50 AM early, because that’s the way I roll. So when I say I was thinking about plans in early June, that’s not a very good representation of things. More accurately, I would say that I was thinking about my plans at the start of one of the mid-year J-months, without yet being able to tell the difference between them. (If I’m losing people here, please note that the middle of the year contains June and July.)

So as my thoughts on this topic began to cohere, it occurred to me that this friend I might see has a birthday at the start of a J-month. Normally, I can’t remember birthdays at all. But this one is easy for two reasons. First, it’s exactly the same as the birthday of someone else I met at almost exactly the same time, and second, it’s close to another memorable birthday (more on that later).

At this point, I’m confused. It seemed inexplicable that this friend would want to hang out with me on his birthday, because we’re not really that close. I started to wonder if I should ask him if he wanted to cancel our tentative plans because he wasn’t paying attention when he made them.

Then it occurred to me that June and July are different, and that the plans were for early June, while the birthday is on July 3rd. Now here’s where it gets funny. When I had that epiphany, the first thought that I had was, “Right, I should have remembered that. His birthday is the one around Bastille Day.” (Bastille Day is July 14th. The French celebrate it as something not too different from our 4th of July.)

The fog was starting to clear. A few seconds after I had that clever thought, it occurred to me that if the local Republican Party did not already have a bounty out for me, they would probably have been able to monitor that thought somehow and would dispatch a hit man immediately. Even I was somewhat perplexed as to why Bastille Day seemed to follow after thoughts of the 3rd of July in my head.

In my defense, by the time I got out of the shower, I was able to explain the whole thing. Though it doesn’t jump to mind as easily as it once did, Bastille Day became linked to thoughts of birthdays when I was in high school. One of my close friends’ birthday is on Bastille Day. (And if she’s reading this, she should know that we haven’t spoken in too long!) Thus, it became a reference point on the completely inadequate birthday calendar that I do manage to keep in memory. In contrast, I don’t know anyone whose birthday is on the 4th. Thus, when I think about birthdays, the 4th of July does not come up, because it’s completely off-topic.

Of course, since that explanation makes about as much sense as the thought crime, I doubt my execution for treason will be held up much on account of this defense.