Gay Bomb!

I remember reading this article a long time ago, but for some reason it resurfaced on the BBC News ticker today.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/4174519.stm

I’d like to talk about the plans (seriously considered by the U.S. government) to spend $7,500,000 over six years to develop a “weapon” that would make enemy troops succumb to overpowering homosexual urges.

It’s a good thing I wasn’t a chemical engineer for the government at that time, because I read that project description and an enormous light bulb switched on over my head. I would have fought tooth and nail to be chief engineer for that one, because I would have been laughing for years, well after the project concluded.

Check this out. I create two recruitment advertisements, one official, one off the record.

Official Recruitment Ad:
Adult men requested to participate in a paid behavioral study monitoring the effects of experimental drugs delivered via inhalation. Risks include cardiovascular complications, including increased blood pressure within sensory organs. Glaucoma patients would be at high risk for complications and should not apply. Additional risk comes from the possibility of psychological discomfort arising from possible lessening of assumed morals in the form of increased proclivity towards unfocused sexual activity. Participants will be compensated $100 or an hour’s participation. Go to the following address between the hours of 5:00 PM and 4:00 AM to participate: [Address goes here]

That ad will run in local newspapers and be fliered in supermarkets. The supermarket postings will have white pull off tabs on with the address and business hours.

Note how this is identical in content, but strikingly different in tone from the unofficial ad, which will be posted near bathhouses and gay sex shops and printed on neon green paper:

Unofficial Recruitment Ad:
Come party with all the other guys in a paid ($100 per hour!) study of the effects of amyl nitrate (poppers!) on sexual arousal. Poppers provided to all participants. Condoms will not be provided, because they are optional. Party starts at 12:00 AM and runs ‘til 4:00 AM nightly! Grab a VIP ticket below and bring your friends to: [Address goes here]

Everybody who shows up talking about reading the newspaper or holding a white address slip gets ushered into the “Control Group” wing, where they’ll be free to talk about politics while sniffing tiny water bottles for an hour. All told, I think they’ll leave happy.

Everybody who shows up with a neon green VIP ticket gets ushered into the “Test Group” wing, where they’ll spend an hour playing war games and simulating enemy troop movements with the help of lots of little bottles of amyl nitrate. I suspect they too will leave quite pleased with themselves.

The flamboyant secretaries I liberally hire to “randomly” sort participants into the two groups will have very little trouble independantly figuring out how to make my experimental data work, even when analyzed double blind. They’ll get to sit behind a desk each night and see who participates in my study. They’ll go home each night very pleased with themselves.

Six years down the road, having produced almost miraculous data showing the overpowering effectiveness of my product with minimal R&D (and thus having an earnings sheet with an impressive profit margin), I hand the U.S. government detailed drawings for gigantic poppers to drop on Baghdad. I’ll go home exceptionally pleased with myself.

The US government will discover that my weapons are just as effective as anything else they’ve been using, with the exception that they are received much better by the international press. They’ll be hailed as progressives and go home orgasmically pleased with themselves.

I think having written this post has enabled me to describe myself as a “military strategist.” Now I am pleased with myself on a whole new level.

This idea is like the gift that keeps on giving. We need to get that funding approved.