Best News Day in Years

Today I got my laugh fix first thing in the morning. I didn’t have to go any farther than CNN. It was one golden nugget after another. It’s like the whole network just decided to say “Yeah, we’ve run our usual stories to the ground. Now let’s focus on a new key topic: People are morons.”

First, a student got his ass tazered by asking John Kerry a whole bunch of retarded questions. http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/09/18/student.tasered.ap/index.html This is good news. I feel that we should expand this practice to most political Q&A sessions, and additionally tazer the speaker if he or she decides that “truth” and “propaganda” are two halves of the same hair.

The next one I have not actually watched. It’s a video link. The headline says it all though. “Man puts rattlesnake in mouth, gets bitten.” http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/offbeat/2007/09/18/burton.snake.bite.kgw
I approve of news stories that say, in effect, of you are a complete dumbass, this is how things will probably go for you too.

I love this next one for a small chunk of the otherwise retarded article. The headline is “Older women and younger men: Can it Work?” http://www.cnn.com/2007/LIVING/personal/09/07/olderwomen/index.html
The entire article is seemingly filler to house the following single outstanding paragraph: "Societal attitudes have definitely changed," says Susan Winter, 52, co-author of "Older Women, Younger Men: New Options for Love and Romance" -- and she would know. At age 40, she was dating a 19-year-old. "We had to break it off. Quite frankly, his mother made it so impossible."

Next up, a man with no arms was arrested for allegedly killing another man in “a fist fight.” No joke. http://www.wsbtv.com/news/14138164/detail.html

The last story is real, I swear, but I simply cannot find the link now. I read this story less than six hours ago, and no amount of searching will turn it up for me again. I think the story was pulled for some reason, possibly because it was a steaming mound of fiction as reported, or perhaps because of legal clout. It was still hysterical though, and the main inspiration for this post. Some moron working in the Florida legal system was arrested for flying from his home and wife (in Florida) out to a Midwest state (Ohio?) because he was talking to an undercover police officer about some questionable financial agreements. That’s just the tip of the iceberg. Specifically, he had made an agreement with an alleged mother to buy sex from her supposed five year old daughter. Even better still, apparently the “mother” expressed some reservations that selling her daughter out for sex might cause her harm. Such depths of insight are rare in our age. The guy arrested countered, “Don’t worry, I only go slow and gentle. I do this all the time.” The story ended there, but I have to assume that the officer, seeing no limits to what this guy was willing to confess to having done, replied, “Can you provide photographic proof that the other five year old girls enjoyed having sex with you?” To which the idiot replied “Sure!” and merrily emailed out a scrapbook full of pictures of himself with various other (real) abused children. I can’t decide what I find more alarming: that some state felt it was a good use of taxpayer money to devote an undercover officer to pretending to sell a five year old girl out for sex, or the fact that it was apparently money well spent.