I’d Like a Double Order of… Uhm… That. Please?

So I spent this weekend doing absolutely nothing. It was blissful. I haven’t had a weekend with nothing I had to do in ages. Naturally, I decided to celebrate by spending the entire weekend practicing lucid dreaming, deep meditation, and astral projection.

At first, I didn’t seem to be getting anywhere. It felt mostly like I just kept nodding off and having extremely odd dreams. But then, Sunday night, I signed onto MySpace and noticed I had about 16 bulletin messages about Britney Spears. I rarely get mail about Britney. I decided to investigate.

Opening several, they seemed to be more or less in agreement that the cosmos were out of line. (I changed the wording slightly for clarity.) One of them included a link to her recent performance on the MTV Awards Show thingie. That clip can be found here: http://youtube.com/watch?v=ihH6TpxPcRI Out of bored curiosity, I clicked the link.

That’s when I realized my horrible, arrogant mistake. My attempts at astral projection had not been the dismal failures I thought they were. And those dreams were no dreams. It seems I accidentally hijacked Britney’s body for this performance. It was not my intent. However, in an effort to make it up to her and her fans, I want to take the time to answer the question I heard the most. “What was she thinking?!” Well, remember, I thought I was just having a peculiar dream after I fell asleep with the radio on. But I can tell you what I was thinking, more or less. I’ll include the thoughts in italics, spaced by the lyrics below.

Again, you have my sincerest apologies.


Lake Dances to “Gimme More” at the MTV Video Music Awards
Where am I and why does my face feel sticky?
(It's Britney, bitch)
What the hell is wrong with my hair?
(I see you, and I just wanna dance with you)
Who are you people and why are we doing the bunny hop? Fine, whatevz.

Everytime they turn the lights down
Whoa. Hey baby. Thank you, but I think my fly is closed. Hey! Where are you going?!
Just wanna go that extra mile for you
Fine be that way. I’m taking my dignity with me and going over here.
Public display of affection
Feel's like no one else in the room (The room)

We can get down like there's no one around
We'll keep on rockin' (We'll keep on rockin')
You people look like a bunch of spazzes. And what is that odd smell? I’d better take a sec here to check my deodorant. Nope, not me. Thank god. I think.
We'll keep on rockin' (Keep on rockin')

Cameras are flashing while we're dirty dancing
They keep watchin' (They keep watchin')
Keep watchin
Feels like the crowd is saying

[CHORUS]
Gimme gimme more
Gimme more
Gimme gimme more
Gimme gimme more
Gimme (Uh)
Why do I have tits, and why am I dressed like dominatrix with her kids at the beach?
Gimme gimme more
::laughs:: Hey, I can make my tits bounce!
Gimme gimme more
Gimme more
Gimme gimme more
Gimme gimme more
Give me more what? Pie?
Gimme (Uh)
Gimme gimme more

Dude, I can NOT walk in heels. Get me down from here!
Center of attention ('tention)
Even when they're up against the wall
Dudes, I’m sure you’re lonely, but this is me time here. Practice giving each other hand jobs at the urinal later. And get the fuck out of my way! Dick!
You got me in a crazy position (Yeah)
If you're on a mission (Uh-uh)
You got my permission (Oh)
Ok people, this isn’t the subway, let’s clear me a path here…

We can get down like there's no one around
GET OFF ME!
We'll keep on rockin' (Keep on rockin')
We'll keep on rockin', rockin' (Uh-uh)

Cameras are flashing while we're dirty dancing
Ok, I see a clearing over there! Go for it! Breath deep! Head clearing!
They keep watchin' (Wait)
Keep watchin
(Feel's like the crowd is saying)

[CHORUS]
Gimme gimme more
Gimme more
Gimme gimme more
Gimme gimme more
Give me more what?! Ok, you guys are seriously starting to piss me off here! GET BACK or I’ll give YOU some more of my fist!

Gimme (Uh)
Gimme gimme more
Gimme gimme more
Gimme more
What the fuck is this song about anyway? It sounds like it was written by a drunk pedophile during a masturbation fantasy.
Gimme gimme more
Gimme gimme more
Gimme (Uh)
Gimme gimme more

(I just can't control myself, oh)
(They want more? Well I'll give'em more, oh!)
Yes, I know these pants are tight, but I think it must be laundry da… HEY! DO NOT MAKE ME THROW YOU!

[CHORUS]
Gimme gimme more
Gimme more
Gimme gimme more (Gimme more)
Gimme gimme more
GROSS! WIPE HIS SWEAT OFF ME! NASTY! GET IT OFF!
Gimme (Uh)
Gimme gimme more (Ooh)
Gimme gimme more
Gimme more
Gimme gimme more
Gimme gimme more (Gimme more, oh yeah)
Gimme (Uh)
Gimme gimme more

Ohh, gimme more, gimme more (More)
Gimme more, gimme more baby
I just wanna more
Ok, breathe deep. Calm. Let’s do some stretches to forget. Stretch. Arms up, breathe, breathe…

[CHORUS]
Gimme gimme
Gimme
Gimme gimme more
Ok, let’s do a little two step here. Shake it out, stretch, shake it out. Better. Breathe…
Gimme gimme
Gimme (Ooh)
Gimme gimme more
Gimme gimme
Gimme
GOD DAMN IT THEY’RE swarming! PLAY DEAD! PLAY DEAD! ABORT!
Gimme gimme more
Gimme gimme
Gimme (Ooh)
Gimme gimme
I will kill all of you. And WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS SONG MEAN? If you don’t shut up, I’m going to give you more all right…

Ok, fine, at least you chicks know how to NOT FUCKING TOUCH ME. Maybe I can blend in. Are you seriously still doing the bunny hop? Fine, I’ll blend in. Blend. I played hopscotch like three times. When I was about six. I can do this…

Shit, they all died or something. Uhm dancing. Yeah… I guess I’ll do a little pirouette here or something… Uhm…