Pre-Engineer Quiz

[Author's Note: This post was written over a week ago, and not on a weekend. As is often true, I actually have a backlog of unposted material at the moment. I write in real time, but rarely post as such. If I did, The ebbs and tides of what I crank out would be difficult to fathom, let alone read.]
Yesterday, I wrote a post that made my job sound like being an engineer on Star Trek. Exotic (to most) control systems, large computers, and tropical and arctic climates came together in a whimsical package.

Towards the end of the day, I got a phone call from my least favorite coworker that inspired me to new lows. This post is expected to make my job sound like the supervisor in charge of making a thousand monkeys write the complete works of Shakespeare. (Hint: it involves a lot of crying and despair.)

In one of the production bays, we have a steam generated vacuum system. It has no moving parts. It is either on or off. As steam blows into the unit and condenses, a vacuum is generated which we can then apply to process vessels. I repeat that the unit has no moving parts.

I got a phone call from my special work friend telling me that the vacuum hardware was broken. Without missing a beat, I answered that I was aware of the problems with the steam-generating boilers and that there was already someone working on it. As I moved to hang up, my extra special friend told me that, no, the trouble wasn’t the steam, it was the vacuum, because the vacuum kept getting really strong, then weak, then strong again. I paused. In case there was confusion about the hardware, I pointed out that the vacuum hardware has no moving parts. Therefore, the fact that it is capable of being strong most of the time and that it always recovers proves that the problem is not with the vacuum hardware. The steam was obviously just moving through said stationary hardware in erratic pulses for some reason. I was told that I should really go look at the vacuum hardware to be sure.

I should stop to point out that this guy is a chemical operator. Don’t get me wrong, we have some clever chemical operators. I just wish this guy would be more like them. He could also stand to realize that he is no one’s boss. (He gets confused on that often.) But again, my big gripe with this phone call is with neither of those issues. It was with the fact that his premise was wildly retarded.

Then again, I suppose I should not rush to judge. Instead, I decided to create a helpful quiz, to help people judge their engineering aptitude before they call me with suggestions. Answers are provided. See how well you do!

Question 1) You are watering your lawn with the garden hose. You notice that the water comes out of the hose really fast sometimes, and barely at all other times. You conclude:
(a.) The water pressure is behaving strangely for some reason.
(b.) There is something wrong with your hose.

Answer: Unless you tend to find your thumb wedged unexpectedly in random holes, we can conclude that there is a problem with the water pressure. However, if you circled (b.) and are male, I would not rule out that you might also be having some trouble with your hose.

Question 2) You regularly watch pornographic films on your PC. Most of them play normally, but since last Wednesday, every time you play your favorite film, (entitled “Robin Williams Does Russia”) your computer crashes. You conclude:
(a.) This is obviously Microsoft’s fault.
(b.) It seems likely that the file somehow got corrupted.

Answer: (b.) The sudden appearance and localization of the problem hints that something about that specific file has changed. However, if you circled (a.), you should probably switch to a Macintosh computer anyway. Also, there is enough information given in the question to conclusively prove that there is something wrong with you. Seek therapy.

Question 3) Every time you heat an un-opened can of soup in the microwave, the label starts on fire, the can explodes, and you burn your hand when you take it out of there. You conclude:
(a.) The concept of a “Microwave Safe Container” should be looked into.
(b.) The soup was probably imported from Mexico.

Answer: (a.) Cans do not go in the microwave. However, if you answered (b.), you obviously have extremely discriminating tastes. I recommend taking a vacation to an exotic resort town just across the border and checking your passport and all forms of ID with the local taxi driver for safekeeping.

Question 4) Every time you eat shellfish, you have difficulty breathing, swell up like a balloon, and are removed to a hospital by concerned friends or wait staff. You conclude:
(a.) Shellfish are delicious.
(b.) You are allergic to shellfish.

Answer: (b.) Some sharp readers will argue that in this case, both answers can be considered true. Therefore, the best answer should have been chosen. If you feel that (a.) is the best answer, I encourage you to eat more shellfish, but pursue a career in something other than engineering. Perhaps marketing.