Dumbledore Is Gay

When I wrote this, I had a huge backup of written-yet-unposted blog material. That said, by the time you read this, it will likely be old news.

In the week following J.K. Rowling’s choice to out her most powerful wizard, huge volumes of articles appeared complaining about how it was done. One such article is provided here: http://www.time.com/time/arts/article/0,8599,1674550,00.html

The theme uniting most of these articles is something along the lines of, “As the token gay man at my organization, I was asked to write on this topic. That said, it should come as no surprise that I object to this outing on the grounds that Dumbledore was not nearly gay enough in those books.”

I read stuff like that and think to myself, “Uhm… ARE YOU INSANE?!”

I have heard exactly zero arguments in line with my own view on this topic. If you don’t like the idea of Dumbledore being gay, that’s your right (sort of). However, not gay enough? Ok. I’m going to do all of you a favor and explain to you why Dumbledore was plenty gay enough as is. I’m going to do this by rewriting a few sections of the published books in which I gay him up a little. Remember, as an elusive, secretive old man, he did not get a lot of face time in these books. And the books were all told from Harry’s perspective. As a result, this is what you’d end up with if you “Not-Gay-Enough-istas” had your way:

[From Harry Potter I, The Philosophers Stone]
Prof. McGonnagall:
“I have here the Sorting Hat. This wise hat will be placed on each of your heads, and look inside your deepest thoughts. From what it finds, your placements into the four houses of Hogwarts will be decided.”

Dumbledore:
“NOOOOOOOOO! Minerva! Stop! That hat is hideous! How dare you take it out of my closet! It’s for sentimental value only! It’s the hat I was wearing when I first… Well. YOU know. But it would totally clash with their robes! They’re first years! They can’t wear a thread-bare old hat with their brand new robes! Didn’t your mother teach you ANYTHING about accessorizing?!”

McGonnagall:
“But then how will we do the sorting?”

Dumbledore:
“That’s not as important as proper fashion! I don’t know! Put them all in Slytherin or something this year.”


[From Harry Potter II, The Chamber of Secrets]
McGonnagall:
“Headmaster, there’s been another attack! What do you make of it!?”

Dumbledore:
“Minerva, isn’t it clear? The Chamber of Secrets is open again!”

McGonnagall:
“Headmaster, that’s hardly appropriate. Not only do I not want to hear about your personal life, but this attack literally just happened! Show a little sensitivity!”

Dumbledore:
“No really! I’m sure the students are all in grave danger! The giant serpent is on the loose again! One look from his eye can…”

McGonnagall:
“LALALALALALALALALA… I can’t hear you!”


[From Harry Potter III, The Prizoner of Azkaban]
Harry:
“What’s Azkaban?”

Hermione:
“Having been raised by muggle dentists, I was a little unclear on that myself. So I read four books on the subject and went to Dumbledore’s office hours to ask a few additional questions. It seems that Azkaban is the wizarding prison. Bad wizards are held there and punished!”

Harry:
“How are they punished?!”

Hermione:
“Well…”

Harry:
“Hermione! Tell me!”

Hermione:
“To be honest, I’m not to clear about that either. I asked Dumbledore, but he mumbled something about Dementors totally pwning the inmates. Literally thriving off using them and manipulating their emotions. Then he started to say something about ‘the most intimate kiss’ and how it literally swallows the essence of a man… But then he coughed kind of abruptly and left the room.”

Ron:
“Have you seen Scabbers?”

Hermione:
“Yeah. Dumbledore took him last night. I asked him why, but he just smiled knowingly and left the common room. Scabbers looked awfully worried about it, but I’m sure Dumbledore had his reasons.”

Ron:
“Scabbers!”


[Harry Potter IV, Goblet of Fire]
Harry:
“Headmaster! Headmaster! The Goblet of Fire was a portkey! He’s back! Headmaster, he’s back! And Cedrick… Cedrick… He, he, asked me to bring him back to his parents…!”

Dumbledore [said with a twinkle in his eye]:
“Harry you little scamp! And in the middle of the contest too?! What spunk! We’ll have to take points from Gryffindore, of course. Using sleeping potions on classmates for the purpose of ‘getting that winning edge’ is strictly forbidden! But then again, Cedrick IS quite the looker! I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about sneaking into the Hufflepuff towers late at night a few times myself!”

Harry:
“No! Headmaster! He’s back! He, he tied me up, and there was magic, explosions…”

Dumbledore:
“Harry Potter! I never would have thought you the type! I’m so happy for you both!”


[Harry Potter V, Order of the Phoenix]
Dumbledore:
“I’m so pleased to have such a capable and devoted group of warriors working with me to protect the world from evil. But here, in Syrius’ stronghold, we can meet in secret and security. None of us can speak where this place is, or threaten us here, because I have put strong protections around it… That said, who among you wants to take a guess why they call me, ‘Headmaster’?”


[Harry Potter VI, Half-Blood Prince]
Dumbledore:
“Harry, you’re right. I have been keeping secrets from you. But there’s a reason. I have believed that a part of my enemy, He-Who-I-Don’t-Speak-About-Since-What-He-Did-To-Me-In-The-Ministry-Hallway-After-Hours, has been inside you. And that this contact has left a little piece of him inside you still. I think of that little bit of his essence inside you and it makes me want to avoid you. But you are right. It’s not your fault. You’re so young, and eager. I shall keep secrets from you no longer. For starters, I’m gay. Not gay in the “happy to be alive” sort of sense like men my age still sometimes say. I mean, ‘Let’s go oil our wands together!’ gay. Really gay. Second, you’re right that leaving your defensive education to Professor Snape was, well, a disaster. So, Harry, now that we’re not keeping secrets from each other any longer, I want you to come to my tower late at night for special sessions with me alone. I’ll teach you everything you need to know. Everything. It may seem strange at first. I was hoping you’d be older before I had to teach you these things. But you’ve always been clever, Harry, and we’ve been so distant for so long…”

[Harry Potter VII, Deathly Hallows]
Voldemort:
“Well, I mean, once I figured out that Dumbledore had the Elder Wand, it didn’t take a whole lot of thought to figure out he had himself buried with it. I mean, did you ever meet the guy while he was alive? He couldn’t keep his hands off of wands in life either, if you know what I mean. I hated him, but his wandsmanship was known throughout the wizarding world.”