Gay Bomb! II

Previously in this blog, I had a blast teasing the U.S. Air Force for it’s plan to develop a weapon to turn enemy combatants into gay nymphomaniacs. Fueled by the groundbreaking philosophy of “make ass-love, not war,” I developed a full plan to develop the weapon myself, since the military never got the project off the ground.

Since I feel this objectively makes me the head of this aborted project, I was very disappointed to see that the scientific community overlooked me when trying to give the Air Force an Ig Nobel award for the idea.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/TECH/science/10/04/ig.nobels.ap/index.html

It seems that no one in the military, active service or retired, would be willing to accept the award from the decorated scientists.

Then again, as head of the project, I can see why the (undoubtedly) rigorous scientific minds at the Air Force who first proposed this idea might feel it lacks the polish to accept awards. Here’s why. The project is inherently two-fold. To develop the weapon successfully, it must simultaneously:
1) Inspire the targeted soldiers to become insanely horny.
2) Inspire the targeted soldiers to target each other, as opposed to, say, their duffle bags.

See, if the two requirements aren’t properly balanced, it’s just not as cool. Let’s assume that the bomb only managed to turn a stadium full of soldiers into insanely horny rhesus monkeys. All this would really accomplish would be something of a laundry emergency, and the need to dispose of every box of popcorn in the stadium due to a sudden massive distrust of the exact composition of the buttery topping. Not really a decisive military victory.

By contrast, if the weapon managed to turn all the soldiers gay, but didn’t really prime their pumps (so to speak), well, I suppose we’d just find the barracks in a fashion crisis as all the soldiers tried desperately to trade in their uniforms for one size smaller. The bathrooms would be full of men trying to give themselves frosted tips with cleaning solvents. Suddenly, curtains would go up on all the windows. Vague and arguably meaningless poetry would be produced in large amounts. But again, not a military victory.

At this point, you’re probably thinking, “But Lake! If frosted tips and candy corn don’t constitute military victories, what would?” Simple! We can tell by the fact that the military wanted to develop a weapon to make large crowds of men horny for each other, paired with the results of all military conflicts to date, that a military victory is defined as follows:
Military victory -- anything that results in large numbers of philosophically opposed men piled physically on top of each other with bodily fluids seeping from recently sealed orifices.

Who wouldn’t want to accept an award for finding a way to accomplish that without all the death?