Conspiracy Theory I

This post is planned as the “prologue” to what I hope will become an ongoing segment in which I confuse popular correlations with causations for fun. Let’s begin by letting you all get pissed at me BEFORE I start with the real jokes, just so everyone can relax and have fun when they start later!

I’ll bet you, like me, love a good conspiracy theory. Nothing quite starts my day with a smile like glancing at the headlines and seeing, “Fringe Group Declares 9/11 A Jewish Plot.” Some of my other favorites include such gems as, “Global Warming a Democratic Scare Tactic,” “Illegal Aliens Slow Down American Economy,” and “Israel Lauded as a Peacelike Nation, Yet Again!”

After that list, I’m sure I’ve pissed off 100% of all readers. Before you conclude that I’m an Anti-Semite-hating Democrat with a boner for Hispanic laborers who curiously is himself an Anti-Semite, let’s take a moment to figure out what the hell I’m up to this time.

To begin, in lieu of an apology for my list above, I’m going to take a second to point out why I picked that list, despite not being an acknowledged expert in any of those areas.

--9/11 Was a Jewish Plot
Have you heard this one? The theory is that all the people of Jewish faith and heritage called in sick on the day of the World Trade Center attacks. The goal, it is then inferred, was to destabilize the world economy to help the Jewish bankers who control everything.

Do I have any special evidence either way? No. So why do I feel this is a crackpot theory? Because if the Jewish people DID organize and plan a huge disaster for economic gain, New York is just about the least likely place on Earth that they’d target. This notion strikes me as about as likely as a hypothetical retired wealthy socialite setting his own house on fire in order to spite his neighborhood.

--Global Warming Is a Democratic Scare Tactic
I think everyone has heard all about this, so I won’t go into the backstory.

Why do I think this is a crackpot theory? Because every single person I’ve heard claim it cites evidence that is either incorrect or wrong. Seriously. If you think that current average temperatures have been seen in the past seven ice/hot age cycles, you’re in error. I know there’s a pretty video online that says exactly the opposite. Its data is both omissive and incorrect. To be fair, NO ONE HAS CONCLUDED A PERFECT PLAN FOR WHAT SHOULD BE DONE ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING AND WHEN, but if you think Earth is not getting warmer, you’re just saying you have trouble counting.

--Illegal Aliens Slow Down The American Economy
Again, everybody knows what this is.

Why do I call it a conspiracy theory? Because the USA has a minimum wage. Illegal aliens are doing free-market capitalism a major favor by circumventing that policy. Does that mean that it’s legal? No. Does that mean you have to like Hispanic people? No. Does that mean that you have to like ethnic looking children in public schools? No. But are they slowing down the economy? Hell no. You show me a Gringo who wants to do the work that most of these people do for peanuts and I’ll show you a prison inmate, a convicted sex-offender, a “special needs” individual, or some hybrid of the three. We only have so many people like that. And they won’t be happy about their new careers. I’m frankly flattered that the seasonal workforce we do have is willing to put up with us so cheerfully.

-- Israel Lauded as a Peacelike Nation, Yet Again!
Western Media has this thing where Israel is our ally and its neighbors are not.

But let’s face it folks, Israel is a scrapper. Rounding a bit for comic effect, Israel has had about three major conflicts for every one experienced by the other nations in that region. That’s because Israel keeps beating the crap out of all its neighbors. The question of whether or not they deserved it is a tad more open for debate, but calling Israel peace-like without extreme qualification is a bit like saying rapists are really just friendly hippies trying to spread some free love.

Get your indignation out of your systems now. The real fun will come in the sequels, where you WILL find an answer to the question of, "Is he high!?"