Straightest Man Ever

Recently, I had the chance to meet the straightest man on Earth. By straightest, I mean most heterosexual. Before I met him, I wouldn’t have been confident that I could recognize the straightest man on Earth. In fact, I’d talked with him dozens of times before I realized. But I found him.

How, you might ask, did I come to this conclusion? That’s a good question. I’ll show you my notes on this subject and let you draw your own conclusions.

I regularly commute a long distance. By regularly, I mean that I cross state lines twice a week on a round trip. Every time I do this, I stop at the same Starbucks on a highway oasis both ways. Again, for clarity, I go to the same Starbucks twice a day, twice per week.

Every day, I head south wearing black slacks, a short sleeved shirt, and a belt. Every day a few hours later, I go back to the Starbucks having inexplicably changed into black basketball pants and a white tshirt.

I order the same thing every time. Is it a coffee? No. Is it an iced tea? No. I order a Venti Green Tea Soy Latte. The drink looks a little like the afterbirth from the Jolly Green Giant giving birth to The Hulk’s love child. It’s green. I’ve never seen someone else order these. And I have to imagine the soy substitution makes it even more foofy-like. [Author’s Note: This may sound gross, but it’s amazing.]

Three of the four baristas at this Starbucks quickly noticed the pattern. They get visibly cheerful when I approach, look genuinely pleased to see me, and know what I’m going to order.

The fourth barista brusquely took my order about forty times without the slightest hint of recognition. I eventually concluded that he was just a grumpy asshole. But then, after several dozen visits, he swiped my credit card one day, and appeared to have a minor epiphany. He looked up at me and asked, “Have you been here before?”

Similing, I replied, “Dozens of times. And about three hours ago.”

He smiled for the first time ever (that I saw) and replied, “I recognized your credit card.”

Not me. Not my weird drink. Not the fact that I was just there. He recognized my American Express card.

Right then and there, I knew I had found the straightest man ever.