A Perverse, Twisted, Evil Nest of Pedophiles

Police in Utah recently broke up a rapidly-growing pedophile ring that was endangering the safety of local children. At least six – possibly more – local children were subjected to demeaning objectification for the sick pleasures of those involved.

The extent of the crime came to light when a cache of these filthy pictures were turned over to police after being found in the possession of one of the deviants. The pictures in question were of both boys and girls from the local junior high, all of whom were less than 15 years old.

The case is being turned over to the Davis County attorney to determine the extent to which these sick pedophiles should be punished. I’m sure you’re with me in calling for their immediate execution.

Unfortunately, this is a true story. What I failed to make clear is that the people being turned over to the police are the kids themselves. That’s right. A bunch of middle school students – without adult knowledge, let alone pressure – was having a fun time sending each other naked pictures of themselves on their cell phones. This is about as far from abuse as you can conceivably get. Not only were no adults taking advantage of the kids, but something tells me that even the weakest-willed middle schooler could manage to control the impulse to lock themselves in the bathroom alone and send nude pictures to all their friends if they didn’t feel like it.

The situation was all fun and games until one of the kid’s mom found the pictures and thought, “You know who I should show these to? Fox News.”

Now, the kids are facing felony charges for distributing child pornography. The school principle went on TV and said, “They may not have realized it, but they were abusing themselves.”

Because I’m retarded, I’m going to once again take the outlandish position of defending our nation’s “pedophiles.”

Nation, I do not think that these kids were abusing themselves. I’m pretty sure they did not rape themselves either. Your instinctive impulse to equate nudity amongst young people with rape and sexual deviance is exceedingly perverse. Your willingness to charge them as felons for a game of “I’ll show you mine” is beyond insane. You have just created six people who will likely have issues with shame and sexual dysfunction for the rest of their lives.

Mother-Who-Found-The-Pictures-And-Called-The-Police-And-Fox-News-On-Your-Kid, I wish I was in a position to call Child Services on you. You are not fit to be a parent. In fact, you almost make me question my own premise that no one was abusing any of these children. The fact that you were willing to make an unwilling pornographic example of your own son or daughter for a national audience is an atrocity. I hope your 15 minutes of fame was worth it.